“I believe in God…
 … only I spell it, “N-a-t-u-r-e.”
     — Frank Lloyd Wright, American Architect

The United States’ Declaration of Independence:
“When in the Course of human events,
it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve
the political bands which have connected them with another,
and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station
to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them,
a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires
that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.”

I think that the Universe has a
Growing > Organizing > Direction…  a “G>O>D.”
The Bible and Quran describe it very poorly.
Nature, Science, & History describe it much better.
     — J.X. Mason

The mystery of life isn’t a problem to be solved,
But a reality to be experienced.
It is a process that cannot be understood by stopping it.
We must move with the flow of the process.
We must join it. We must flow with it.
       — Frank Herbert, from his novel Dune

I might repeat to myself, slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations,
beautiful from minds profound; if I can remember any of the damn things.”      
      -– Dorothy Parker

“The coldest Winter I ever knew was one Summer in San Francisco.”          
      –- Attributed to Mark Twain

“Sweepers, Sweepers, man your brooms!
Give the ship a clean sweep-down fore and aft!
Sweep down all lower decks, ladder backs and passageways! 
Dump all garbage clear of the fantail!
Now, Sweepers!”
       –– Afternoon Shipboard Call, U.S. Navy

“The time has come,” the Walrus said,
 To talk of many things:
 Of shoes–and ships–and sealing-wax —
 Of cabbages–and kings —
 And why the sea is boiling hot —
 And whether pigs have wings.”
        — Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking Glass

“If you birds can’t shit green, get off my lawn!”
        — W.C. Fields, Comic Actor, Hollywood

“The world is so full of a number of things,
  I’m sure we should all be as happy as kings”
       — Robert Louis Stevenson, A Child’s Garden of Verses

“Wherever You Go, There You Are.”  
        — Jon Kabat-Zinn, Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life

“Just want to be here!” 
         — Jay Leno

“Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay,
Canta y no llores
Porque cantando se alegran,
Cielito lindo, los corazones”
         — from the song Cielto Lindo:
           (“Sing and don’t cry; Because singing gladdens,
           Pretty little heaven, the hearts”).

“Child, the players change,
But the game remains the same!”
          — The film, Big Momma’s House

From the motion picture, Out of Africa:

[ On a dangerous trek to deliver supplies to WW1’s East Africa front, 
plantation-owner Karen Blixen wades through thorns,
and uses a whip to drive off lions that are attacking her oxen.
Returning to camp, her Foreman, a Muslim called Farah,
consoles his boss (“Sabu”) while dressing her thorn wounds: ]  

“Sabu is bleeding; she does not have this ox.
This lion is hungry; he does not have this ox.
This wagon is heavy; it does not have this ox.
God is happy, Sabu.  He plays with us.”     

“All things in moderation.”  
[ A better, modern version: “All Healthy things in moderation” ]
         — Aristotle

“Simple Gifts”
‘Tis the gift to be simple, ’tis the gift to be free
‘Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be,
And when we find ourselves in the place just right,
‘Twill be in the valley of love and delight.

“When true simplicity is gained,
To bow and to bend we shan’t be ashamed,
To turn, turn will be our delight,
Till by turning, turning we come ’round right.”
       — by Elder Joseph of the Shakers in New England

Miraculous power and marvelous activity,
Drawing water and chopping wood.
       — Pang Yun, a lay Zen practitioner, 8th. eighth century C.E.

To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven:
— a time to be born, and a time to die;
— a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
— a time to kill, and a time to heal;

— a time to break down, and a time to build up;
— a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
— a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
—  a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

— a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;    
— a time to get, and a time to lose;
— a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

— a time to rend, and a time to sew;
— a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

— a time to love, and a time to hate;
— a time of war, and a time of peace.”
        — Ecclesiastes 3, King James Version

“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant,
I could hardly stand to have the old man around.
But when I got to be twenty-one,
I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.”
       — Mark Twain

“Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
 Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
 To the last syllable of recorded time;
 And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
 The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
 Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player
 That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
 And then is heard no more. It is a tale
 Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
 Signifying nothing.”
    — Shakespeare, Macbeth (Act 5, Scene 5)

“The fog comes  
on little cat feet.  
It sits looking  
over harbor and city  
on silent haunches 
and then moves on.” 
    —  Carl Sandburg

“L’audace, toujours l’audace!”  [“Audacity, always audacity!”]  
    —  Napoleon

“Power is the appearance of power.”
    —  Napoleon

“Are you crying??  There’s no crying in baseball !!”
    — Coach exclaiming in “A League of Their Own.”

The Pharisees brought to Jesus a woman they said was caught in the act of adultery. 
They asked Jesus if the woman should be stoned, in accordance with Jewish law.
Jesus answered:
“Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.”
      John 8: 3-7. 

Hotel California, recorded by The Eagles
“Welcome to the Hotel California,
Such a lovely place, (Such a lovely place) Such a lovely face…
…They’re livin’ it up at the Hotel California,
What a nice surprise, What a nice surprise, Bring your alibis…
…Last thing I remember, I was running for the door,
 I had to find the passage back to the place I was before,
 “Relax,” said the night man, “We are programmed to receive,
 You can check out anytime you like… but you can never leave!”
              — “Hotel California”

“Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans.”  
    — Allen Saunders, or John Lennon

“We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he today that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne’er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;
And gentlemen in England now-a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs’d they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin’s day.”
            — Henry V, by Wm. Shakespeare

“Cleave a wood, I am there;
Lift up the stone, and you will find Me there.”
   — The Gospel According to Thomas

“I was having a plate of Chinese food
When a dark shadow fell across my chop-suey.”
   — Raymond Chandler’s novel, Farewell, My Lovely

“There is nothing so beautiful on God’s good earth
As a proud ship of war, sailing in harm’s way.”
   — Captain Rock Torrey; the film, In Harm’s Way

“Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.”
     — Jesus of Nazareth, Sermon on the Mount, Matthew 6:34

“No man is an island,
Entire of itself,
Everyman is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls;
It tolls for thee.”
     — John Donne, “No Man Is an Island”

“Go tell the Spartans,
Stranger passing by,
That here, obedient to their laws, we lie.” 
     — Gravesite Inscription of “The 300,” at Thermopylae

“All Animals are equal,
But some Animals are more equal than others.”
     — George Orwell, Animal Farm

“Everything the Power of the World does
Is done in a circle. The sky is round,
And I have heard that the Earth is round
Like a ball, and so are all the stars.
The wind, in its greatest power, whirls.
Birds make their nest in circles,
For theirs is the same religion as ours.
The sun comes forth and goes down again
In a circle. The moon does the same
And both are round. Even the seasons
Form a great circle in their changing,
And always come back again to where they were.
The life of a man is a circle from childhood to childhood,
And so it is in everything where Power moves.”
     — Black Elk, Medicine Man of the Oglala Sioux Nation

“Only the rocks live forever.”
      — Saying of the American Plains Indian Nations,
              — James Michener, Centennial

“You can always find something to like about every man you meet – even if it’s just his wife.”     
     — Al Jenkins

“Rise early, work hard, strike oil.”
     — John Paul Getty

Holding a resentment is like drinking poison and then expecting the other person to die.     
     — Alcoholics Anonymous Saying

“Are not the satisfactions of bein’ a good man among our common men
Great enough to sustain us anymore?
Where did Alex’s hope… ­­go ?”
—  The preacher at Alex’ funeral, in the film, The Big Chill

“My library was dukedom large enough. “
     —  Shakespeare, The Tempest. ACT I Scene 2. 

“Misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows. “     
     — Shakespeare, The Tempest. ACT II Scene 2. 

“He that dies pays all debts.”   
     — Shakespeare, The Tempest. ACT II Scene 2. 

“We are such stuff as dreams are made on,
And our little life is rounded with a sleep.”
     — The Tempest, Act IV, Scene 1

“O, she doth teach the torches to burn bright!
It seems she hangs upon the cheek of night
Like a rich jewel in an Ethiope’s ear;
    — Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act 1: 5

“Look well to this day, for it is life, the very life of life. 
In its brief course lie all the realities and verities of existence: the bliss of growth, the glory of action, the splendor of beauty.
For yesterday is but a dream, and tomorrow only a vision.
But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope. 
Look well, therefore, to this day; for it alone is life! 
Such is the salutation to the dawn.”  
   — Sanskrit Prayer of The Dawn

YOGI BERRA QUOTES:

• “If people don’t want to come out to the ballpark, how are you going to stop them?”

• “A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.”

• “It’s like deja vu all over again.”

• “Nobody goes there anymore because it’s too crowded.”
  
  
• “The game ain’t over until it’s over.”

• The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.”

• “You can observe a lot just by watching.”

• “You should always go to other people’s funerals; otherwise, they won’t come to yours.”

• “You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going because you might not get there.”

NOT YOGI BERRA QUOTES, BUT SIMILAR:

    > “If you don’t know where you’re going, any road can get you there.”
    > “We made too many wrong mistakes.”
    > “When you come to a fork in the road, take it.”

May The Force Be with You!
         — The film, Star Wars

Won’t Get Fooled Again,” by The Who
…And the parting on the left
Is now a parting on the right
And the beards have all grown longer overnight…
…Meet the New Boss! Same as the Old Boss!

“Oh, what a tangled web we weave
When first we practice to deceive.”
   — Sir Walter Scott, “Ivanhoe”

“Wish in one hand,
Pee in the other,
And see which one fills up first.”
   — Bowersox family saying

“Revenge is a dish best served cold”
   — Sicilian Mafia Saying

“A poor person isn’t he who has little,
But he who needs a lot.”
— German proverb

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time,
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death.
Out, out, brief candle!
Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.”
    — Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act V, Scene 5

“Lord, what fools these mortals be!” 
     — Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act 3 Scene 2

“A friend’s eye is a good mirror.” 
     — Irish proverb

“To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, ’tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish’d. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there’s the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause…
….Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o’er with the pale cast of thought…”
     — Shakespeare, Hamlet. Act 3, Scene 1.

 “Joy’s soul lies in the doing.”
     — Shakespeare, Troilus and Cressida. Act I, Scene 2.

“Sweet are the uses of adversity,
Which like the toad, ugly and venomous,
Wears yet a precious jewel in his head.”
     — Shakespeare, As You Like It. Act II, Scene 1.

Both Sides Now, a song by Joni Mitchell:
… “I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From WIN and LOSE and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all
    — Joni Mitchell, Both Sides Now

“We do not live but a quarter-part of our life –
Why do we not let on the flood – raise the gates — & set our wheels in motion
He that hath ears to hear, let him hear. 
Employ your senses.”
   — Henry David Thoreau, 1851

“I think that as life is action and passion, it is required of a man that he should share the passion and action of his time, at peril of being judged not to have lived.”    
  — Oliver Wendell Holmes

QUOTES FROM WALDEN, by Henry David Thoreau:

• “I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms…”

• “I have never found a companion that was so companionable as solitude.”

• “Live in each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influence of the earth.”

• “We need the tonic of wildness…At the same time that we are earnest to explore and learn all things, we require that all things be mysterious and unexplorable, that land and sea be indefinitely wild, unsurveyed, and unfathomed by us because unfathomable. We can never have enough of nature.”

• “A man is rich in proportion to the number of things which he can afford to let alone.”

• “Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new.”

• “I say, beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes.”

• “My greatest skill in life has been to want but little”

• “The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.”

• “A written word is the choicest of relics. It is something at once more intimate with us and more universal than any other work of art. It is the work of art nearest to life itself. It may be translated into every language, and not only be read but actually breathed from all human lips; — not be represented on canvas or in marble only, but be carved out of the breath of life itself.”

• “If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.

• “Simplicity, simplicity, simplicity!
  
  
• I say, let your affairs be as two or three, and not a hundred or a thousand; Instead of a million count half a dozen, and keep your accounts on your thumbnail.”

“Standing on the bare ground, my head bathed by the blithe air, and uplifted into infinite space, all mean egotism vanishes.
I become a transparent eyeball — I am nothing; I see all; the currents of the Universal Being circulate through me — I am part or particle of God.
The name of the nearest friend sounds then foreign and accidental: to be brothers, to be acquaintances-master or servant, is then a trifle, and a disturbance.
I am a lover of uncontained and immortal beauty.”
    — Ralph Waldo Emerson, Nature

Ghost Riders In the Sky, performed by Stan Jones:
“An old cowpoke went riding out one dark and windy day
Upon a ridge he rested as he went along his way
When all at once a mighty herd of red-eyed cows he saw
A’ plowin’ through the ragged skies and up a cloudy draw…

“Yi-pi-yi-ay, Yi-pi-yi-o
Ghost Riders in the sky…

“Their brands were still on fire
and their hooves were made of steel
Their horns were black and shiny
and their hot breaths he could feel

A bolt of fear went through him
as they thundered through the sky
For he saw the riders comin’ hard
and he heard their mournful cry…

Yi-pi-yi-ay, Yi-pi-yi-o
 Ghost riders in the sky…

…“Their faces gaunt, their eyes were blurred,
and shirts all soaked with sweat
They’re ridin’ hard to catch that herd
but they ain’t caught them yet
They’ve got to ride forever in that range up in the sky
On horses snortin’ fire, as they ride on, hear their cry…

Yi-pi-yi-ay, Yi-pi-yi-o 
Ghost riders in the sky…

“As the riders loped on by him, he heard one call his name —
‘If you want to save your soul from hell a’ ridin’ on our range
 ‘Then, cowboy change your ways today, or with us you will ride
 ‘A-tryin’ to catch the Devil’s Herd across these endless skies.’ “

 “Yi-pi-yi-ay, Yi-pi-yi-o
 Ghost riders in the sky!”
      — Stan Jones, Ghost Riders in the Sky (1948)
      — Recorded by Vaughn Monroe & by other artists

QUOTES FROM ALBERT EINSTEIN:

• “Imagination is more important than knowledge.”
  
  
• “Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.”
  
  
• “A person starts to live when he can live outside himself.”
  
  
• “God is subtle, but he is not malicious.”
  
  
• “The eternal mystery of the world is its comprehensibility.”
  
  
• “Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simplex-er.”
  
  
• “Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.”
  
  
• “The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible.”
  
  
• “The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing.”
  
  
• “As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.”
  
  
• “A man’s ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death.”
  
  
• “The further the spiritual evolution of mankind advances, the more certain it seems to me that the path to genuine religiosity does not lie through the fear of life, and the fear of death, and blind faith, but through striving after rational knowledge.”
  
  
• “…one of the strongest motives that lead men to art and science is escape from everyday life with its painful crudity and hopeless dreariness, from the fetters of one’s own ever-shifting desires. A finely tempered nature longs to escape from the personal life into the world of objective perception and thought.”
  
  
• “A human being is a part of a whole, called by us, “universe,” a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest… a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.”
  
  
• “There remains something subtle, intangible, and inexplicable. Veneration for this force beyond anything that we can comprehend is my religion.” – Albert Einstein
  
  
• “The monotony and solitude of a quiet life stimulates the creative mind.” – Albert Einstein
  
  
• “Everything that is really great and inspiring is created by the individual who can labor in freedom.” – Albert Einstein
  
  
• “Quantum mechanics is very impressive. But an inner voice tells me that it is not yet the real thing. The theory yields a lot, but it hardly brings us any closer to the secret of the Old One.
  In any case, I am convinced that He doesn’t play dice.”
          – Albert Einstein

QUOTES FROM OSCAR WILDE:

— “America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.

— “Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.

— “Biography lends to death a new terror.

— “Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

— “I am not young enough to know everything.

— “I was working on the proof of one of my poems all morning, and took out a comma. In the afternoon, I put it back again.

— ”Illusion is the first of all pleasures.

— ”One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards.

— “Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live; it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.

— “The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.

— “Work is the curse of the drinking class.

— “I can resist anything but temptation.

— “Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about.

— “Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.

— “What is a cynic?  A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

— “The truth is rarely pure and never simple.

— “I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world.

— “I love acting. It is so much more real than life.

— “It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information.

— “Science is the record of dead religions.

— “The only way to atone for being occasionally a little over-dressed is by being always absolutely over-educated.

— “One should either be a work of art, or wear a work of art.

— “Only the shallow know themselves.

— “Everything in moderation, including moderation.

—  “Life is one fool thing after another; whereas Love is two fool things after each other.”  
           — Oscar Wilde

“’Twas The Night Before Christmas” by Clement Clarke Moore:

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
 Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
 The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
 In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there….

… “He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
 And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
 And laying his finger aside of his nose,
 And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!….

 “He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, 
“And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
 But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,”
 “Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!”
       — Clement Park Moore

 “Measure twice, cut once.”
       — Old Saying

QUOTES FROM WINSTON CHURCHILL:

> “For myself, I am an optimist – it does not seem to be much use to be anything else.”

> “Kites rise highest against the wind, not with it.”

> “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”

> “Never give in. Never give in… Never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.” (1941)

> “We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.”

> “Continuous effort – not strength or intelligence – is the key to unlocking our potential.”

> “I would say to the House, as I said to those who have joined this government:  ‘I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat.  We have before us an ordeal of the most grievous kind. We have before us many, many long months of struggle and of suffering. You ask, what is our policy? I can say: It is to wage WAR…. by sea, land and air, with all our might and with all the strength that God can give us; to wage WAR against a monstrous tyranny, never surpassed in the dark, lamentable catalogue of human crime. That is our policy. You ask, what is our aim? I can answer in one word: It is VICTORY!  Victory at all costs, victory in spite of all terror, victory, however long and hard the road may be; for without victory, there is no survival.’”  (Maiden Speech to the Commons, May 13, 1940.)

> “Even though large tracts of Europe and many old and famous States have fallen or may fall into the grip of the Gestapo and all the odious apparatus of Nazi rule, we shall not flag or fail. We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender, and if, which I do not for a moment believe, this island or a large part of it were subjugated and starving, then our Empire beyond the seas, armed and guarded by the British Fleet, would carry on the struggle, until, in God’s good time, the New World, with all its power and might, steps forth to the rescue and the liberation of the old.” (Speech to the House of Commons, June 1940.)

> “What General Weygand has called the Battle of France is over: the Battle of Britain is about to begin. Upon this battle depends the survival of Christian civilization. Upon it depends our own British life, and the long continuity of our institutions and our Empire. The whole fury and might of the enemy must very soon be turned on us. Hitler knows that he will have to break us in this island or lose the war. If we can stand up to him, all Europe may be freed and the life of the world may move forward into broad, sunlit uplands. But if we fail, then the whole world, including the United States, including all that we have known and cared for, will sink into the abyss of a new Dark Age made more sinister, and perhaps more protracted, by the lights of perverted science. Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duty and so bear ourselves that, if the British Empire and its Commonwealth last for a thousand years, men will still say: ‘This was their finest hour‘.” (Winston Churchill, Speech to Commons, June, 1940)

“Summertime,” a Song from George Gershwin’s “Porgy & Bess:”

“Summertime,
And the livin’ is easy
Fish are jumpin’
And the cotton is high

“Oh, your daddy’s rich
And your mamma’s good lookin’
So hush, little baby
Don’t you cry

“One of these mornings
You’re going to rise up singing
Then you’ll spread your wings
And you’ll take to the sky

“But until that morning
There’s a’nothing can harm you
With your daddy and mammy standing by”
      ― George Gershwin

QUOTES FROM THE MOVIE, “CASABLANCA:”

• “What in heaven’s name brought you to Casablanca?”
  “My health; I came to Casablanca for the waters.”
  “The waters? What waters? We’re in the desert.”
  “I was misinformed.”
  
  
• “I’m shocked! Shocked!… to find that gambling is going on here!”

• “Well, there are certain sections of New York, Major, that I wouldn’t advise you to try to invade.”

• “I was informed that you were the most beautiful woman ever to visit Casablanca. That was a gross understatement.”

• “Where I’m going, you can’t follow. What I’ve got to do, you can’t be any part of. Ilsa, I’m no good at being noble, but it doesn’t take much to see that the problems of three little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.”
  
  

Opening Song from the Comic Opera, “H.M.S. Pinafore:”

The Crew:
“We sail the ocean blue,
And our saucy ship’s a beauty;
We’re sober men and true,
And attentive to our duty.

“When the balls whistle free
O’er the bright blue sea,
We stand to our guns all day;

When at anchor we ride
On the Portsmouth tide,
We have plenty of time for play.”

The Captain:
“Though related to a peer,
I can hand, reef, and steer,
And ship a selvagee;
I am never known to quail
At the fury of a gale,
And I’m never, never sick at sea!

      CREW:        What, never?
      CAPTAIN:     No, never!
      CREW:        What, never?
      CAPTAIN:     Well…… hardly ever!”
      CREW:        He’s hardly ever sick at sea!

The Crew:
Then give three cheers, and one cheer more,
For the hardy Captain of the Pinafore!”
Then give three cheers, and one cheer more,
For the Captain of the Pinafore!”
        ― Gilbert & Sullivan, H.M.S. Pinafore

“The Summer Day,” A Poem by Mary Oliver

“Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?

This grasshopper, I mean–
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.

I don’t know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.

Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
With your one wild and precious life?”
     ― Mary Oliver, “The Summer Day”

“For, in the final analysis, our most basic common link is that we all inhabit this small planet. We all breathe the same air. We all cherish our children’s futures. And we are all mortal.”    
     ― John F. Kennedy, American University, June 10, 1963.

“Mamma Told Me Not to Come,” by Three Dog Night

“The radio is blastin’, someone’s knockin’ at the door
 I’m lookin’ at my girlfriend – she’s passed out on the floor
 I seen so many things I ain’t never seen before
 Don’t know what it is – I don’t wanna see no more..
      … “Mama told me not to come 
            Mama told me not to come
            That ain’t the way to have fun, no…”
                          ― “Mamma Told Me Not to Come, ” by Three Dog Night

“As flat as piss on a plate.”
“As ugly as a pan of warts.”
      ― R. Allen Jensen, Treasurer of Petro-Lewis, Inc.

Prologue to The Canterbury Tales, by Geoffrey Chaucer:

“Whan that Aprill, with his shoures soote
The droghte of March hath perced to the roote
And bathed every veyne in swich licour,
Of which vertu engendred is the flour;
Whan Zephirus eek with his sweete breeth
Inspired hath in every holt and heeth
The tendre croppes, and the yonge sonne
Hath in the Ram his halfe cours yronne,
And smale foweles maken melodye,
That slepen al the nyght with open eye-
(So priketh hem Nature in hir corages);

Thanne longen folk to goon on pilgrimages
And palmeres for to seken straunge strondes
To ferne halwes, kowthe in sondry londes;
And specially from every shires ende
Of Engelond, to Caunterbury they wende,
The hooly blisful martir for to seke
That hem hath holpen, whan that they were seeke.”
     — Geoffrey Chaucer, “The Canterbury Tales”
             written in Middle English 1387-1400

Modern English Translation of Canterbury Tales Prologue:

When April, with its showers sweet
The drought of March has pierced to the root
And bathed every vein in sweet liquid
From whose strength comes the flower
When Zephirus too with his sweet breeze
Has inspired in every wood and heath
The tender crops…. And the young sun 
Has through the sign of the Ram his course half run
And small fowls are making melody
And sleep all the night with open eyes
(As Nature touches them in their hearts)

Then folks long to go on pilgrimages
And palmers to travel to strange shores
To old shrines renowned in sundry lands
And especially from every shire’s end
Of England, to Canterbury they wend,
The holy blissful martyr for to seek
That has helped them when they were sick.
      — Geoffrey Chaucer, “The Canterbury Tales”

“God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen”

God rest ye merry, gentlemen
Let nothing you dismay!
Remember, Christ, our Savior
Was born on Christmas day!
To save us all from Satan’s power
When we were gone astray
O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy
O tidings of comfort and joy!
      — Author unknown; English, 15^th Century

“Roundup the usual suspects!”
             — The Chief of  Police in “Casablanca.”

“The Gambler,” performed by Kenny Rogers”
“On a warm summer’s evenin,’ on a train bound for nowhere,
I met up with the Gambler; we were both too tired to sleep.
So we took turns a starin’ out the window at the darkness
‘Til boredom overtook us, and he began to speak…

“He said, “Son, I’ve made my life out of readin’ people’s faces,
And knowin’ what their cards were by the way they held their eyes.
So if you don’t mind my sayin’, I can see you’re out of aces.
For a taste of your whiskey I’ll give you some advice…”
“He said, “If you’re gonna play the game, boy, ya gotta learn to play it right…

“You got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when you’re sittin’ at the table.
There’ll be time enough for countin’ when the dealin’s done…

“Now ev’ry gambler knows that the secret to survivin’
Is knowin’ what to throw away and knowin’ what to keep.
‘Cause ev’ry hand’s a winner and ev’ry hand’s a loser,
And the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep…”
        — Kenny Rogers

“Desiderata,” by Max Ehrman

“Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.”   — Max Ehrmann, “The Desiderata”

The Serenity Prayer
“God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.” 
     — Reinhold Niebuhr (AA version)

 “Life is a journey. Time is a river. The door is ajar.”    
     ― Jim Butcher’s novel, Dead Beat

“Not thinking about anything is Zen.
Once you know this, walking, sitting, or lying down, everything you do is Zen.”
             ― Bodhidharma, The Zen Teaching of Bodhidharma

“Too lazy to be ambitious,
I let the world take care of itself.
Ten days’ worth of rice in my bag;
A bundle of twigs by the fireplace.
Why chatter about delusion and enlightenment?
Listening to the night rain on my roof,
I sit comfortably, with both legs stretched out.”
    ― Ryokan, Zen poet and hermit in Japan

Walt Whitman’s “Song of the Open Road:”

“Afoot and light-hearted, I take to the open road,
Healthy, free, the world before me,  
The long brown path before me, leading wherever I choose.    

Henceforth I ask not good-fortune, I myself am good-fortune,
“Henceforth I whimper no more,
postpone no more, need nothing,
Done with indoor complaints, libraries, querulous criticisms,
Strong and content, I travel the open road.

“The Earth, that is sufficient,
I do not want the constellations any nearer,
I know they are very well where they are,
I know they suffice for those who belong to them.

(“Still here I carry my old delicious burdens,
I carry them, men and women,
I carry them with me wherever I go,
I swear it is impossible for me to get rid of them,
I am fill’d with them, and I will fill them in return.)”
    — Walt Whitman, Song of the Open Road

“Go forth, and creepeth on the Earth.”
      — paraphrasing Genesis 8:17…
      — or upon releasing 2 dachshunds in a public park!

Quotes from Winston Churchill:

• “You can always count on Americans to do the right thing… after they’ve tried everything else.”
• “My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.”
• “If you are going through hell, keep going.”
• “Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.”
• “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”
• “Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.”
• “I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
• “It is not enough that we do our best; sometimes we must do what is required.”
  
  

“THESE are the times that try men’s souls.
The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country;
But he that stands by it now deserves the love and thanks of man and woman.
Tyranny, like hell, is not easily conquered;
Yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph.”
             — Thomas Paine, “The Crisis.” December 23, 1776.

“Are you there, Vodka?  It’s me, Chelsea.”           
            — Chelsea Handler, writer and stand-up comedian

“The business of life is the acquisition of memories.  In the end, that’s all there is.”  
            — Carson the Butler, Downton Abbey

“Try not!  Do, or do not. There is no try.”       
           — Yoda, the Jedi Master, Star Wars

“I believe in Baruch Spinoza’s God — not the God of religion.
A God who does not require worship and has no interest in interfering in human destiny and actions.” 
           — Albert Einstein

“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.”      
           — Theodore Roosevelt

“Keep your eyes on the stars, and your feet on the ground.”         
           — Theodore Roosevelt

“Far and away the best prize life has to offer is the chance to work hard at work worth doing.”      
           — Theodore Roosevelt

“You can’t run away from trouble. 
There ain’t no place that far.”
          — Uncle Remus

“We choose to go to the moon. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard. 
Because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills.
Because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win.”
         — John F. Kennedy, Speaking at Rice University, 1962.

“Ol’ Man River,” from Showboat, by Jerome Kern

“Ol’ man river,
Dat ol’ man river
He mus’ know sumpin’
But don’t say nuthin,’
He jes’ keeps rollin’
He keeps on rollin’ along.

“He don’ plant ‘taters,
He don’t plant cotton,
An’ dem dat plants’ em
is soon forgotten,
But ol’ man river,
He jes keeps rollin’ along.

“You an’ me, we sweat an’ strain,
Body all achin’ an’ rack’t wid pain,
Tote dat barge!
Lif’ dat bale!
Git a little drunk
An’ you land in jail.

“Ah gits weary
An’ sick of tryin’
Ah’m tired of livin’
An’ skeered of dyin’,
But ol’ man river,
He jes’ keeps rolling’ along!
      — Paul Robeson, “Showboat!”

“The internet went down today,
And I had to spend time with the family.
They seem like nice people.”
      — Unknown

“You Can’t Always Get What You Want,” by the Beatles
“I saw her today at the reception
A glass of wine in her hand
I knew she would meet her connection
At her feet was a footloose man…

…No, you can’t always get what you want
You can’t always get what you want
You can’t always get what you want
But if you try, sometimes you might find,
You get what you need!”
      — The Rolling Stones

“A collision at sea can ruin your whole day.”    
     — Traditional U.S. Navy Saying.

“Life is on the Wire, the rest is just waiting,”
…says trapeze artist Karl Wallenda.  
…but J.X. Mason says, “Every moment of life is on the Wire.”

“Here I sit,
Buns a-flexin.’
Squeezin’ out….
Another Texan.”
    — On the back of a Men’s room door in Vail, Colorado, 1980.

“The end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started…
 … and know the place for the first time.”
    — T.S. Elliott

“Only the dead have seen the end of war.”
       — Plato

“Every day we must each choose between the Path of Living, and the Path of Dying. 
Always choose the Path of Living.” 
       — Hotel masseuse in Orlando, Florida, 1995

“To Life! To Life! l’chaim! — from Fiddler on the Roof:
To life! To life! L’chaim!
L’chaim, l’chaim, to life!

If you’ve been lucky, then Monday was
No worse than Sunday was,

Drink l’chai-im, to life…
 “…To us and our good fortune
Be happy be healthy, long life!

And if our good fortune never comes
Here’s to whatever comes,
Drink l’chaim, to life!”
     — “To Life,” from Fiddler on the Roof

“He who bends to himself a joy
Does the winged life destroy;
But he who kisses the joy as it flies
Lives in eternity’s sunrise.”
     — William Blake, Eternity

The Pool Players — Seven at the Golden Shovel:

“We real cool. We
Left school. We

“Lurk late.  We
Strike straight. We

“Sing sin. We
Thin gin. We

“Jazz June.  We
Die soon.”
     — Gwendolyn Brooks, “We Real Cool”

“Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Juju bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!”
     — Lewis Carroll, Jabberwocky

General George Patton Speaks to His Troops during WW II:

 “Be seated. Now, I want you to remember that no bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country.

 “Men, all this stuff you’ve heard about America not wanting to fight, wanting to stay out of the war, is a lot of horse dung. Americans, traditionally, love to fight.  All real Americans love the sting of battle.

“When you were kids, you all admired the champion marble shooter, the fastest runner, the big-league ball players, the toughest boxers. Americans love a winner and will not tolerate a loser. Americans play to win all the time. Now, I wouldn’t give a hoot in hell for a man who lost and laughed. That’s why Americans have never lost and will never lose a war. Because the very thought of losing is hateful to Americans.

“Now, an army is a team. It lives, eats, sleeps, fights as a team. This individuality stuff is a bunch of crap. The bilious bastards who wrote that stuff about individuality for the Saturday Evening Post don’t know anything more about real battle than they do about fornicating.

“Now, we have the finest food and equipment, the best spirit, and the best men in the world. You know, by God, I actually pity those poor bastards we’re going up against. By God, I do. We’re not just going to shoot the bastards. We’re going to cut out their living guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks. We’re going to murder those lousy Hun bastards by the bushel.

“Now, some of you boys, I know, are wondering whether or not you’ll chicken-out under fire. Don’t worry about it. I can assure you that you will all do your duty. The Nazis are the enemy. Wade into them. Spill their blood. Shoot them in the belly. When you put your hand into a bunch of goo that a moment before was your best friend’s face, you’ll know what to do.

“Now there’s another thing I want you to remember. I don’t want to get any messages saying that we are holding our position. We’re not holding anything. Let the Hun do that. We are advancing constantly, and we’re not interested in holding onto anything — except the enemy. We’re going to hold onto him by the nose, and we’re gonna kick him in the ass. We’re gonna kick the hell out of him all the time, and we’re gonna go through him like crap through a goose!           

“Now, there’s one thing that you men will be able to say when you get back home, and you may thank God for it. Thirty years from now, when you’re sitting around your fireside with your grandson on your knee, and he asks you, “What did you do in the great World War II?” — you won’t have to say, “Well, I shoveled shit in Louisiana.”

“Alright now, you sons-of-bitches, you know how I feel. “I will be proud to lead you wonderful guys into battle anytime, anywhere.
“That’s all.”
     — General George Patton, from the movie, Patton

“Atop a hill, the Zen Master taught his senior monks.
At the bottom of the hill, a young novice monk worked in the sun, drawing water and chopping wood.
When the senior monks arose and left the Master for the day,
The young monk ran up the hill. He implored his great Teacher: 
“Master! Master!  Tell me the path to true Enlightenment!”
The Master raised one finger and replied,
“Draw water, chop wood.”
     — Pang Yun, a Chinese Ch’an Buddhist lay Practitioner

“The Two Rules of Business:”

1. Never underestimate the power of bullshit,
2. And never believe your own bullshit.”
           — J.X. Mason, working in Denver, ~1985

Great Spirit, Maker of All Life.
A warrior goes to you swift and straight as an arrow shot into the sun.
Welcome him and let him take his place at the council fire of my people.
He is Uncas, my son.
Tell them to be patient and ask death for speed;
For they are all there but one — I, Chingachgook; Last of the Mohicans.”

‘Eternal Father’ – The Navy Hymn
“Eternal Father, strong to save,
Whose arm hath bound the restless wave,
Who bidd’st the mighty ocean deep,
Its own appointed limits keep.
Oh, hear us when we cry to Thee,
For those in peril on the sea!”

“We can be knowledgeable with other men’s knowledge,
 But we cannot be wise with other men’s wisdom.”
         — Montaigne

“Meditation is the dissolution of thoughts in Eternal awareness,
Or Pure consciousness without objectification,
Knowing without thinking,
Merging finitude in infinity.”
        — Voltaire

He who has the most toys when he dies… wins.        
       — Popular 1980’s bumper sticker  

If you want to be successful, it’s just this simple:
 Know what you are doing.
 Love what you are doing.
 And believe in what you are doing.
       — Will Rogers

Never let yesterday use up too much of today.     
       —Will Rogers

Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie’ until you can find a rock.      
      — Will Rogers

Don’t gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock.
Hold it until it goes up, then sell it.
If it don’t go up, don’t buy it.”
     — Will Rogers

“One-third of the people in the United States promote, while the other two-thirds provide.”        
     — Will Rogers

Comedian Richard Pryor tells this story about the real Africa:

American on safari: “So, Jumba, where’s Tarzan”?
Jumba: “Who, da crazy white man?  He up in a tree wit’ Cheeta.”
American: “And where’s Jane?”
Jumba: “She whorin’ in Nairobi.”
        –Richard Pryor, Live on Sunset Strip

“You can fool all the people some of the time,
And some of the people all the time,
But you cannot fool all the people all the time.” 
        — Abraham Lincoln

 “Knowledge is good.”      
       — Inscribed on the statue of Emile Faber, founder of Faber College (from Animal House)

“All warfare is based on deception.”       
       — Sun Tzu, The Art of War

“The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.”
       —  Sun Tzu, The Art of War

 “Never hate your enemies.  It affects your judgment.”
       —  Michael Corleone to Vincent Mancini, The Godfather Part III

“Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy”     
      — Sir Isaac Newton

“If you’ve got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.”     
      — Theodore Roosevelt   

“Speak softly and carry a big stick.  You will go far.”-
      —  Theodore Roosevelt

“Less is more.”
      —  Ludwig Mies van der Rohe, Modern Architect

“God is in the details.”
      —  Ludwig Mies van der Rohe, Modern Architect

Don Draper: “I want you to feel good about what you’re doing, but you’ll never know. That’s just the job.”
Peggy Olsen: “What’s the job?”
Don Draper: “Living in the not-knowing.”
      —  From the TV series Mad Men, final season, Part 1

The Fraternity Brothers Are About to Be Thrown Off Campus
Otter:     “Point of parliamentary procedure!”
Hoover:  “Don’t screw around, they’re serious this time!”
Otter:     “Take it easy, I’m pre-law.”
Boon:     “I thought you were pre-med.”
Otter:     “What’s the difference?”
      — From the movie, “Animal House”

Three Quotes from Benjamin Franklin:

• “Energy and persistence conquer all things.”
• “I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper.
   …..Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.”  
• “By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.”

“Plan your work, and work your plan.” 
     —  Unknown

“We keep you alive to serve this ship.  Row well, and live.”
     —  From the movie, Ben Hur

“Take It Easy,” by The Eagles:

“Well, I’m running down the road,
Tryin’ to loosen my load,
I got seven women on my mind.
Four that wanna own me,
Two that wanna stone me,
One says she’s a friend of mine.

“Take it easy, take it easy…
Don’t let the sound of your own wheels
Drive you crazy.

Lighten up! while you still can,
Don’t even try to understand,
Just find a place to make your stand.
And take it easy….
     —  The Eagles, Take It Easy

“Then outspoke Horatius, captain of the gate:
‘To every man upon this Earth
‘Death cometh soon or late;
‘And how can men die better
‘Than facing fearful odds,
‘For the ashes of his fathers,
‘And the temples of his gods.’”
    — Lord Macaulay, Horatius.
            Quoted by Winston Churchill in the movie, Into the Storm.

“Who is in charge of the clattering train?
The axles creak and the couplings strain,
And the pace is hot, and the points are near,
And sleep hath deadened the driver’s ear,
And the signals flash through the night in vain.
For Death is in charge of the clattering train!”
     —  Edwin J. Milliken, Death and His Brother Sleep.
             — Quoted by Winston Churchill in the “Air Estimates Debate,” 1935.

“It’s not my job to run the train,
The whistle I can’t blow.
It’s not my place to say how far
The train’s supposed to go.
“It’s not my job to let off steam
Or even ring the bell,
But let the damn thing jump the track
And see who catches hell!”
     —  Unknown

“When old age shall this generation waste,
Thou shalt remain, in midst of other woe…
…“Beauty is truth, truth beauty,” 
That is all ye know on Earth, and all ye need to know.
   —  John Keats, Ode to A Grecian Urn

“Good artists borrow, Great Artists steal.”
  — Attributed to T.S. Elliott; also to Pablo Picasso

“Pray for a sound mind in a sound body.
Ask for a stout heart that has no fear of death,
And deems length of days the least of Nature’s gifts;
A constitution that can endure any kind of toil,
That knows neither wrath nor desire,
And thinks the woes and hard labors of Hercules better than
The loves and banquets and downy cushions of Sardanapalus.
What I commend to you, you can give to yourself;
For assuredly, the only road to a life of peace is virtue.”
      — The Roman poet, Juvenal, (circa 55-138 C.E.), Satire  

“Marla, you have to go where things happen.
Nothing’s ever going to happen here.”
     — Marla’s Father, as Marla leaves Colorado for Chicago,
             In the film, A League of Their Own

“An eight-year-old asked his dad to explain ‘Democrats’ and ‘Republicans.’  
And Dad said, “Well, a Democrat is like this really nice Aunt who promises to take you to Disneyland,
   …but then something always comes up, and you never get to go. 
And a Republican is like a grumpy old Uncle who says he can’t afford to take you to Disneyland,
  …and then later you find out he went without you.”
                 — Comedian Carol Kehane

“It’s so easy to lose track of things. A screwdriver, for instance.
“Where did I put that? I had it in my hand just a minute ago.”
You wander vaguely from room to room,
Having forgotten, by now, what you were looking for,
Staring into the refrigerator, the bathroom mirror…
“I really could use a shave…”
     —  Mike Myers

“A Place For Everything;” from the book, “Just Above Water,” by Louis Jenkins:

“Some objects seem to disappear immediately while others never want to leave…
… This black gizmo’s use has been forgotten. But it looks so important, no one is willing to throw it in the trash.
It survives by bluff, like certain insects that escape being eaten because of their formidable appearance…
My father owned a large, three-bladed, brass propeller that he saved for years.
It lacked an immediate application since we didn’t own a boat…
But the propeller survived all purges and cleanings, living, like royalty, a life of lonely privilege, mounted high on the garage wall.”

“The work expands to fill the time.”
        —  “Parkinson’s Law,” by C. Northcote Parkinson, in the Economist, 1955. 

“If it weren’t for the Last Minute, nothing would get done.”    
        —  Rita Mae Brown, novelist and screenwriter 

“Things in life will not always run smoothly. 
Sometimes we will be rising toward the heights, then all will seem to reverse itself and start downward. 
The great fact to remember is that the trend of civilization itself is forever upward.
That the line drawn through the middle of the peaks and valleys of the centuries always has an upward trend!”
       —  Franklin Delano Roosevelt, 1945 

“Be still and know that I am God [ “The Growing > Organizing > Direction.” ]
—  Psalm 46:10  [and J.X. Mason

From the Book of Job:
Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm. He said:
“Who is this that obscures my plans with words without knowledge?
Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me.
Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?
Tell me, if you understand.
Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?
“On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone—
while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?….

….Have you ever given orders to the morning,
Or shown the dawn its place,
“That it might take the earth by the edges
And shake the wicked out of it?”
     —  The Book of Job 38:1-13.  (New International)

“Don’t let the bastards grind you down”
(nil bastardum carborundum = the pseudo-Latin)
     —  Origin unknown

“If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun!”
      —  Katherine Hepburn

“Keep on keepin’ on”
     —  Popularized by singer Curtis Mayfield,  1970’s. 

“Keep on truckin’”   
     —  Popular American saying, ~1930’s

“God!  God! 
Why did you put so many fools on Earth,
All at the same time!”
    —  Colonel “Bull” Meecham, in The Great Santini

“Lillian, I want chow!  Lillian, it is I, Santini !
The Great Santini, the Hawk of the Minister of Death,
Wants his breakfast !
Eat !  Eeeeat !
    —  Spoken by Col. “Bull” Meecham, The Great Santini

“Strike or be stricken”   
    —  Queen Elizabeth I

“Lefties are the only people in their right mind.”   
    —  Unknown

 “Rose-lipped Maidens, Lightfoot Lads”
    —  British drinking toast, from the film Out of Africa

‘With rue my heart is laden
For golden friends I had,
For many a rose-lipt maiden
And many a lightfoot lad.
“By brooks too broad for leaping
The lightfoot boys are laid;
The rose-lipt girls are sleeping
In fields where roses fade.”
    — A. E. Housman’s Shropshire Lad:

— The opening paragraph of Moby Dick, by Herman Melville:

“Call me Ishmael. Some years ago – never mind how long precisely – having little or no money in my purse, and nothing particular to interest me on shore, I thought I would sail about a little and see the watery part of the world. It is a way I have of driving off the spleen and regulating the circulation. Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses, and bringing up the rear of every funeral I meet; and especially whenever my hypos get such an upper hand of me, that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking people’s hats off – then, I account it high time to get to sea as soon as I can. This is my substitute for pistol and ball. With a philosophical flourish Cato throws himself upon his sword; I quietly take to the ship. There is nothing surprising in this. If they but knew it, almost all men in their degree, sometime or other, cherish very nearly the same feelings towards the ocean with me…… [and the last sentence in the book: “I only am escaped alone to tell thee.”]   
    — by Herman Melville

If everyone joins hands to sing Kumbaya,
No hands will be free to do any work.
    — J.X. Mason

“Progress is our most important product!” 
    — General Electric’s early corporate slogan

“Stagnation is worse than injustice.” 
   — J.X. Mason

Walt Whitman, Song of Myself (1892), from Leaves of Grass:

I celebrate myself, and sing myself,
And what I assume you shall assume,
For every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you.

I loafe and invite my soul,
I lean and loafe at my ease observing a spear of summer grass.
My tongue, every atom of my blood, form’d from this soil, this air,

Born here of parents born here from parents the same, and their parents the same,
I, now thirty-seven years old in perfect health begin,
Hoping to cease not till death.

Creeds and schools in abeyance,
Retiring back a while sufficed at what they are, but never forgotten,
I harbor for good or bad, I permit to speak at every hazard,
Nature without check with original energy.
      — Walt Whitman

Don’t rush to get things done. 
You will be done soon enough
     — J.X. Mason

“Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.”
     — Dylan Thomas

The unexamined life is not worth living.
     — Socrates

Life is worth living if you don’t weaken.
    — Al Jensen

Life without dogs is not worth living.
    — Marian and J.X.

“To be is to do.” — Socrates
“To do is to be.” — Jean-Paul Sartre
“Do be do be do.” — Frank Sinatra

“There’s nothing so much like a God on Earth as a General on a battlefield.”   
        ― Michael Shaara, The Killer Angels

The Optimist says, “The glass is half full.”
The Pessimist says, “The glass is half empty.”
The Engineer says, “The glass is over-designed for its job.”

The Alcoholic says, “Where’s the bottle?”

‘“Here in France, you must practice the art of accomplishing much, while appearing to accomplish little.”
      — Benjamin Franklin, to John Adams
            — upon Adams’ arrival as Ambassador to France

“Alcoholism is when you go out for Lebanese food, you have a drink,…
 And you wake up in Marrakesh with a camel licking your balls.”
      ― Robin Williams, on the Charlie Rose Show

“Though this be madness, yet there is method in it.”
[today, we say: “There’s a method to his madness.”]
      ― Shakespeare, Hamlet, Act 2, Scene 2

Sir Charles lay on his face, his arms out, his fingers dug into the ground, and his features convoluted with some strong emotion to such an e tent that I could hardly have sworn his identity.  But one false statement was made by Barrymore at the inquest.  He said that there were no traces upon the ground around the body.  He did not observe any.  But I did – some little distance off, but fresh and clear..
     “Footprints?” asked Sherlock Holmes.      
     “Footprints.”  replied Dr. Mortimer
     “A man’s or a woman’s?”
Dr. Mortimer looked strangely at us for an instant, and his voice sank almost to a whisper as he answered:
    “Mr. Holmes, they were the footprints of a gigantic hound!”
        — Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, The Hound of the Baskervilles.

“I’m not much of a mover.  I’m more of a shaker.”
     ― Andy Christie, “We’ll Have to Stop Now,” The Moth.

“You can’t own what you can’t carry.”
      ― Warren to Jenna Levin, “Life on a Mobius Strip,” The Moth.

“Bloom where you’re planted.”        
     ― Mary Englebreit

“Go big or go home.”       
    ― Southern California surfers and bikers.

“Yesterday is History,
Tomorrow is a Mystery.
But today is a gift – that’s why we call it The Present.”
     — Joan Rivers. (Simplified Sanskrit Prayer of the Dawn)

 “Black Care rarely sits behind a rider whose pace is fast enough.”  
     ― Theodore Roosevelt

“By acting as if I was not afraid,
I gradually ceased to be afraid.
Most men can have the same experience.”
     ― Theodore Roosevelt

“To be neutral between Right and Wrong
Is to serve the Wrong.”
     ― Theodore Roosevelt

“You must do what you think you cannot do.”    
     ― Eleanor Roosevelt

“Act as you would be, and so you shall become.”  
     ― Unknown

“Leapin’ Lizards!”  
     ― Little Orphan Annie Cartoon Strip

“All right, sweethearts, what are you waiting for?  
Breakfast in bed? Another glorious day in the Corps!
A day in the Marine Corps is like a day on the farm.
Every meal’s a banquet!
Every paycheck a fortune!
Every formation a parade!
I love the Corps!
     ― Sergeant Apone, in the film, Aliens

“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places.
But those that will not break, it kills.
It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially.
If you are none of these, you can be sure it will kill you too, but there will be no special hurry.”
     ― Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms

“Salary is no object: I want only enough to keep body and soul apart.    ― Dorothy Parker

“Men are born soft and supple; dead, they are still and hard.
Plants are born tender and pliant; dead, they are dry and brittle.
Thus, whoever is still and inflexible is a disciple of death.
Whoever is soft and yielding is a disciple of life.
The hard and still will be broken.
The soft and supple will prevail.”
      — Lao Tsu, The Tao Te Ching #76

“A great wind will break the strongest Oak, but not the Willow, which bends.”    
      — Confucius; and also Aesop

Quotations from Ernest Hemingway:

• “Courage is grace under pressure.”      
  
  
• “The only thing that could spoil a day was people.
  People were always the limiters of happiness, except for the very few that were Spring itself.” 
  
  
• “My aim is to put down on paper what I see and what I feel in the best and simplest way.”

• “If a writer knows enough about what he is writing about, he may omit things that he knows.
  The dignity of movement of an iceberg is due to only one-ninth of it being above water.”

• “The hard part about writing a novel is finishing it.”
  
  

“Brevity is the soul of wit.”  
     ― Shakespeare, Hamlet, Act 2 Scene 2


Quotations from Dorothy Parker:

 — “What fresh hell is this?”  — Dorothy Parker

 — “Too fucking busy, and vice versa.” ― Dorothy Parker

— “Brevity is the soul of lingerie.”

— “The cure for boredom is curiosity.  There is no cure for curiosity.”

— “You can lead a horticulture but you can’t make her drink.”

— “The words I like best in the English language are ‘cheque’ and ‘enclosed.’ “

— “I’m never going to accomplish anything; that’s perfectly clear to me. I’m never going to be famous.
     My name will never be writ large on the roster of Those Who Do Things.
     I don’t do anything. Not one single thing.
     I used to bite my nails, but I don’t even do that anymore.”  

“Plan your work, and work your plan”
     ― Traditional saying

“Forever — is composed of nows.” 
     ― Emily Dickenson

“Though the great Waters sleep,
That they are still the Deep,
We cannot doubt –
No vacillating God
Ignited this Abode
To put it out –
     — Emily Dickinson, c. 1884

“Just do your best, and piss on the rest!”   
     — Elsie Bertha Zoellner Wendelin

“Pessimism a choice.
Pessimism is when you’re riding in a column of horses,
And you choose to spend all your time
Looking up the butt of the horse in front of you.”
    — George Russell Wendelin

“If you’re not the lead dog,
The scenery’s always the same.”
    — Jim Stuart

“He’s all Hat and no Cattle.” 
    — Texas saying

“He’s a false alarm.”   
    — Elsie Bertha Zoellner Wendelin

“He’s an empty suit.”
    — common saying

“Time is fun when you’re having flies.” 
    — Froggy

“When there is one lawyer in town, he starves.
When there are two lawyers in town, they both get rich.”
   — Bruce Fowler

“There may be trouble ahead…
There may be tear drops to shed…
So while there’s moonlight, and music,
And love, and romance…
Let’s face the music and dance
Let’s face the music and dance!
    ― Irving Berlin

“A man with Style is a man who can Smile”
    ― Poker player in House of Games

“Fashion fades; only Style remains the same.”   
    ― Coco Chanel

“Style is knowing who you are, what you want to say, and not giving a Damn.”  
    ― Gore Vidal

“In character, in manner, in style, in all things, the supreme excellent is simplicity.”  
    ― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

 “It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that Swing!”  
    ― Duke Ellington song, lyrics by Irving Mills.  1943.

 ”When you are tired of style, you are tired of life.”
    ― The Dowager Countess of Grantham

“We have met the enemy, and he is us.” 
    ― Pogo, in Pogo cartoon strip

“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.” 
    ― Attributed to Edmund Burke

“Not my monkey, not my circus.”  
    ― Polish saying

“It’s never wise to slap the tar baby.”
    ― Uncle Remus

“Carpe Diem! – Seize the Day!”

4 Car-Window Stickers from the ‘1980’s:
 1. “My Karma Ran Over My Dogma.”
 2. “Baby On Board”
 3. “Baby, I’m Bored”
 4. “Same Shit, Different Day.”

“The night is long that never finds the day.”    
     ― Macbeth, Act 4, Scene 3

“Act well your part, there all the honour lies.”   
     ― Alexander Pope

“And that’s the news from Lake Woebegone !
Where all the women are strong,
All the men are good-looking,
And all the children are above-average.”
    ― Garrison Keilor, A Prairie Home Companion

“What is the ‘Existential Vacuum’?  
And does it come with attachments?”
    ― Joy Behar

“When in trouble, When in doubt,
Run in Circles, Scream and Shout!”
    ― Unknown

Biblical Times:  “My cup runneth over.”
Modern Times:  “My lane runneth out.”

God save our Gracious Queen!
Long live our Noble Queen!
God save The Queen!
Send her victorious,
Happy and glorious.
Long to reign over us:
God save The Queen!
   ― British National Anthem

“Cry Havoc!’ said he who fought chaos with chaos,
 And let slip the dogs of war!”
    ― Frank Underwood, House of Cards
           — an allusion to Shakespeare, Julius Cesar, III, 1.     

“Leave the gun,
Take the cannoli.”
     ― Fat Clemenza, in the movie,The Godfather

When walking, just walk.
When sitting, just sit.
Above all, don’t wobble!
    ― Lin Chi, aka Linji Yiuan, Zen Buddhist Master

“Recognize the divinity in every living thing.”  
    ― St. Francis of Assisi

Random Unknown Quotes:

     > Death is the Number 1 killer in the world!

     > Life is sexually transmitted.

     > Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

     > Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky-panky, and they can’t tell them apart.
     So, if you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

     > Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.
     Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

     > Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

     > All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

     > In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird.
     Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.”

     > Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers: What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.”

“A bird doesn’t sing because it has an answer.
 It sings because it has a song.”
      ― Maya Angelou

“Zen is not some kind of excitement,
but merely concentration on our usual everyday routine.”
     ― Shunkyu Suzuki.

“Now and then, Now and Zen.”
     — J.X. Mason

If the problem has a solution, worrying is pointless: in the end the problem will be solved.
If the problem has no solution, there is no reason to worry: because it can’t be solved.”  
     — unknown

“The quieter you become, the more you can hear.” 
     — Baba Ram Dass, American spiritualist

“To a mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders.”
     — Chuang-tzu

“The fundamental delusion of humanity is to suppose that I am here and you are out there…
  Or that you are here and I am out there.“
      — Yasutani Roshi.

“No yesterday, no tomorrow, and no today.“
      — Sheng-ts’an.

“Everything the same; everything distinct.”
      — Zen saying 

“Though the bamboo forest is dense, water flows through it freely.  It is better to practice a little than talk a lot.”
      — Muso Kokushi.

A monk asked Zen Master Hakuin where he would go after he died. Hakuin answered ‘How am I supposed to know?’
‘How do you not know? You’re a Zen master!’ exclaimed the monk. ‘Yes, but not a dead one,’ Hakuin answered.

“We shape clay into a pot, but it is the emptiness inside that holds whatever we want.”
      — Lao Tzu.

“When you are deluded and full of doubt, even a thousand books of scripture are not enough.
When you have realized understanding, even one word is too much.” 
      — Fen-Yang.

“The only Zen you find on the tops of mountains is the Zen you bring up there.”  
      — Robert M. Pirsig.

“The whole moon and the entire sky are reflected in one dewdrop on the grass.”
      — Dogen.

“Nothing is exactly as it seems, nor is it otherwise.“
      — Alan Watts.

“There is no beginning to practice nor end to enlightenment;
There is no beginning to enlightenment nor end to practice.”
      — Dogen.

“Water which is too pure has no fish.”   
       — Ts’ai Ken T’an.

“Everyday life is the Way.”
       — unknown

“If you understand, things are just as they are;
  If you do not understand, things are just as they are.”
       — unknown

“Before enlightenment, chopping wood and carrying water.
After enlightenment, chopping wood and carrying water.”
       —  Basho

“To follow the path, look to the master, follow the master,
walk with the master, see through the master, become the master.”
       — Zen saying

“When you get there, there isn’t any there there.”          
       —  Gertrude Stein.

Three Anonymous Zen Proverbs:

1. “The instant you speak about a thing, you miss the mark.”
2. “Only the crystal-clear question yields a transparent answer.”
3. “When you get to the top of the mountain, keep climbing.”

“In the landscape of spring, there is neither better nor worse.
The flowering branches grow naturally, some long, some short.”
             — Ryokan

“There is nothing you can see that is not a flower;
There is nothing you can think that is not the moon.”
              —  Basho

“And the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.”
              —  T.S. Eliot.

“So little time, so little to do.“       
              — Oscar Levant.

“Life is like stepping onto a boat that is about to sail out to sea and sink.”     
              — Shunryu Suzuki.

“To set up what you like against what you don’t like –
 This is the disease of the mind.”
              — Sheng-ts’an.

Sayings of Various Buddhist Masters:

“All of the significant battles are waged within the self.” 
> “Life is the only thing worth living for.” 
> “There is nothing infinite apart from finite things.” 
> “Do not permit the events of your daily life to bind you, but never withdraw yourself from them.”
> “This is not the Buddha; this is the Buddha.”
> “One moon shows in every pool, in every pool the one moon.” 

“When you gaze long into an abyss,
 The abyss also gazes into you.
           — Friedrich Nietzsche.

The train has left the station, and I sit peacefully on the bench, looking across the tracks at the flowers on the other side. 
           — J.X. Mason

Fake it ‘till you make it, then fake it ‘till you become it.

If at first you don’t succeed, Keep on suckin’ ’till you suck a seed.
           —  Clark Terry, Jazz Trumpeter

Are you visiting for business, pleasure… Or pleasure’s bitter rival – family.     
           —  Cab driver in the film, Rosewater

If you can’t Via con Dios, Via con Carne!           
          — J. X. Mason

“No bird soars in a calm.”
         —  Wilbur Wright (one of the Wright Brothers)

“Thank you for your applause…Thank you,… thank you…
… “I am bloated with acceptance.”
          —  Comedian Judy Tenuta

“An old silent pond…
A frog jumps into the pond,
Splash!  Silence again.”
        —  Basho

“Over the wintry Forest, winds howl in rage, With no leaves to blow.”   
       —  Soseki

New York City:
If you can fake it there, you can fake it anywhere!
      — J.X. Mason

“Winter seclusion – Listening, that evening, To the rain in the mountain.”   
      —  Issa

Powder Milk Biscuits!

“Made from whole wheat raised in the rich bottomlands of the Lake Wobegon river valley by Norwegian bachelor farmers,
  so you know they’re not only good for you, but also pure, mostly,
  which “give shy persons the strength to get up and do what needs to be done.
  Heavens, they’re tasty… and expeditious!”
       —  Garrison Keillor, A Prairie Home Companion

“I’m interested in achieving a goal, nothing else – producing a result, solving a puzzle, penetrating a secret.” 
      —  Pablo Picasso

“All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts…”
      —  Shakespeare, As You Like It, Act II, Scene VII

The Oil Business: 
“Now the fish can’t swim
And the birds can’t fly
But we keep pumpin’
because demand is high.”
     —  David Bromberg

 “Constantly regard the universe as one living being, having one substance and one soul;
and observe how all things have reference to one perception, the perception of this one living being;
and how all things act with one movement; and how all things are the cooperating causes of all things which exist;
observe too the continuous spinning of the thread and the contexture of the web.”
   -– Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, IV, 40.

“Faster horses, younger women, older whiskey, more money! 
    —  Tom T. Hall

“[Life] is like driving a car at night. 
You never see further then your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.”
   —  E.L. Doctorow

“We’re always attracted to the edges of what we are,
out by the edges where it’s a little raw and nervy.”
    —  E.L. Doctorow

“Planning to write is not writing.
Outlining, researching, talking to people about what you’re doing, none of that is writing.
Writing is writing.”
    —  E.L. Doctorow

“I have the human trained: Every time I ring the bell, he gives me food.”
    —  The Laboratory Pigeon

Apology, Amends, forgiveness –
All work to keep the decks clear
Because each day should be as new as we can make it.
    — J.X. Mason

“Vivir sin rencor”  =  “Live without rancor”
    — Spanish saying

“A Pretty Girl is Like a Melody,” by Irving Berlin

A Pretty girl is like a melogy
That haunts you night and day
Just like the strain, of a haunting refrain
She’ll start upon, a marathon
And run around your brain
You can’t escape, she’s in your memory
By morning, night and noon
She will leave you and then, come back again
A pretty girl is just like a pretty tune.”
       — Irving Berlin

 “If nothing changes, nothing changes.”  
     — Unknown

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”     
     — Ralph Waldo Emerson

“God is the Trinity, And God is the Singularity
God is everything, And God is nothing.”
     — Young man at the St. Paul’s AA Meeting

“Theology is just dead leaves lying on the ground.
The Program is the living tree.”
     — Pete, at the St. Paul’s AA Meeting

If you’re depressed, you’re living in the past,
If you’re anxious, you’re living in the future.
Live in the present, and be at peace.
     — Sun Tzu

“When Boris [the Scottish terrier] smells rabbit,
He comes all over murderous.”
    — ‘Home Fires’ on Masterpiece Theatre

Good decisions come from experience.
Experience comes from Bad decisions.
“I think, therefore I am.”
    — Rene Decartes

“I think, therefore you’re wrong.”  
   — Frenchmen that J.X. Mason has known.

”I’m not sure where I’m going,
But I know where I’m going to end up.”
   — Stan Getz

Mae West Quotations:

— “It’s better to be looked over than overlooked.”
— “A hard man is good to find.”
— “Men are my life. Diamonds are my career.”
— “When women go wrong, men go right after them!”
— “When caught between two evils I generally pick the one I’ve never tried before.”
— “When I’m good, I’m very good. But when I’m bad, I’m better.”
— “Marriage is a great institution. But I’m not ready for an institution.”
— “It’s not the man in your life that counts. It’s the life in your man.
— “Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?”
— “Too much of a good thing is wonderful.”
— “I wrote the story myself. It’s all about a girl who lost her reputation but never missed it.”
— “Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls go everywhere else.”
— “I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.”
— “Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home, I’m tired.”
— “Why don’t you come up sometime and see me? I’m home every evening . . . Come up, and I’ll tell your fortune.”
— “I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.”
— “A dame that knows the ropes isn’t likely to get tied up.”
— “Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.”
— “Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache.”
— “Those who are easily shocked should be shocked more often.”
— “I’ll try anything once. Twice if I like it. Three times to be sure.”   — Mae West

“For God’s sake, let us sit upon the ground
And tell sad stories of the death of kings;
How some have been deposed; some slain in war,
Some haunted by the ghosts they have deposed;
Some poison’d by their wives: some sleeping kill’d;
All murder’d: for within the hollow crown
That rounds the mortal temples of a king
Keeps Death his court…” 
      — Shakespeare, Richard II

‘Wheels? Where we’re going, we don’t need wheels!”
      — Back to the Future

“We’re all in a movie!
It’s just that sometimes we turn the camera on. 
…. And there are more and more cameras.”
       — paraphrasing The City of Angels

“Sleep that knits up the raveled sleeve of care,
The death of each day’s life, sore labor’s bath,
Balm of hurt minds, great nature’s second course,
Chief nourisher in life’s feast.”
      –— Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act 2, Scene 2

The Pessimist says, “The glass is half empty.”
The Optimist says, “The glass is half-full.”
The Engineer says, “The glass is over-designed.”
     — Unknown

Philosophy:  Looking for a cat in a dark room.
Metaphysics:  Looking for a non-existent cat in a dark room.
Religion:  Looking for a non-existent cat in a dark room… and shouting, “I found it!”
Science:  Looking for a cat in a dark room…. with a flashlight ! 
     — Unknown

[The Ghost of Marley, Scrooge’s deceased partner, appears…] 

“Marley in his pigtail, usual waistcoat, tights and boots…and the hair upon his head. The chain he drew was clasped about his middle.  It was long, and wound about him like a tail; and it was made (for Scrooge observed it closely) of cash-boxes, keys, padlocks, ledgers, deeds, and heavy purses wrought in steel….

“How now!” said Scrooge, caustic and cold as ever. “What do you want with me?”

“It is required of every man,” the Ghost returned, “that the spirit within him should walk abroad among his fellowmen, and travel far and wide; and if that spirit goes not forth in life, it is condemned to do so after death. It is doomed to wander through the world — oh, woe is me! — and witness what it cannot share, but might have shared on earth, and turned to happiness!”

“You are fettered,” said Scrooge, trembling. “Tell me why?”

“I wear the chain I forged in life,” replied the Ghost. “I made it link by link, and yard by yard; I girded it on of my own free will, and of my own free will I wore it. Is its pattern strange to you?”

Scrooge trembled more and more.

 “Or would you know,” pursued the Ghost, “the weight and length of the strong coil you bear yourself? It was full as heavy and as long as this, seven Christmas Eves ago. You have laboured on it since. It is a ponderous chain!”

“Well, you always were a god man of business,” said Scrooge.

“Business!” cried the Ghost, wringing its hands again. “Mankind was my business. The common welfare was my business; charity, mercy, forbearance, and benevolence were all my business. The dealings of my trade were but a drop of water in the comprehensive ocean of my business!”

       — Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

“Does it ever get cold on the Moral High Ground?”
     — The Dowager Countess (Maggie Smith), Downton Abbey        

 “Life without attachments is not really living!” 
     — Marian Wendelin

My iPhone would not work this morning!
And no matter how hard I shook it,
The sand would not fall to the bottom of the screen.
     — J.X.Mason

I Wanna Be A Cowboy, by Boys Don’t Cry (1986)

(Lead Male Singer):

Riding on the range,
I’ve got my hat…on,
I’ve got my boots…dusty.
I’ve got my saddle…on my horse.
He’s called t-t-t-Trigger…of course.

(Chorus):

I wanna be a cowboy!
And you can be my cowgirl!
I wanna be a cowboy!
And you can be my cowgirl!
I wanna to be a cowboy…

(Female Lead Singer):

“Riding on the chuck…wagon,
Following…my mare.
His name is Ted…Can you believe that?
Camping on the prairie…plays havoc with my hair.
Makes me feel quite dirty…though we all do sometimes.
            — By Boys Don’t Cry

The best way out is always through.  
    — Robert Frost

The Moral Arc of the Universe is long,
But it bends toward Justice.
    — The Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

If you’re the smartest person in the room,
You’re in the wrong room.”
    — Holly A. Wendelin

Human reason is troubled by questions that it cannot dismiss;
But also cannot answer.
    — Immanuel Kant

“Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.”      
    — Unknown

“Don’t give in to weakness.” 
    — George R. Wendelin

In War:  Resolution.
In Defeat:  Defiance.
In Victory: Magnanimity.
In Peace:  Goodwill.
    — Winston Churchill

Live as if you were to die tomorrow.
Learn as if you were to live forever.
   — Ghandi

Do what you can,
Where you are,
With what you have.
    — Teddy Roosevelt

God created men. 
Samuel Colt made them equal.
    — An adage of the Old West

“All right, sweethearts, what are you waiting for?
Breakfast in bed? Another glorious day in the Corps!
A day in the Marine Corps is like a day on the farm.
Every meal’s a banquet!
Every paycheck a fortune!
Every formation a parade!
I LOVE the Corps!”
    — Sgt. Apone, from the movie Aliens

 “Hey, Vasquez – Have you ever been mistaken for a man?”
 “No, have you?”
    — from the movie Aliens

“We got a racehorse here! A thoroughbred!
You make him feel good, I teach him how to run.
You understand? We’re business people!”
     — Fast Eddie Felson (Paul Newman),
    describing a new pool-player who never misses
    in The Color of Money

Never believe what artists say,
Only what they do.
    — Walter Sickert

No one can become a good officer
Who does not undergo more than those he commands.
    —  Xenophon, 430-350 BCE

No beast so fierce but knows some touch of pity.
But I know none, and therefore am no beast.
    — Shakespeare, Richard III

 “Today is Christmas!
There will be a Magic Show at zero-nine-thirty.
Chaplain Charlie will tell you about how the Free World Will conquer communism, with the aid of God… and a few Marines.  
God has a hard-on for Marines, because we kill everything we see. He plays his games, we play ours.
To show our appreciation for so much power, we keep heaven packed with fresh souls. 
God was here before the Marine Corps, so you can give your heart to Jesus.  
But your ass belongs to the Corps!”
     — Gunnery Sergeant Hartman to new recruits, in the film, Full Metal Jacket

Writing is talking to oneself.   
     — The Lady in the Van

All the gods, all the heavens, all the hells…are within you.   
     — Joseph Campbell, The Power of Myth

Character is destiny.   
     — Heraclitus

“Beautiful bunch of ripe banana!
Hide ‘de deadly black tarantula!”
     — Harry Belafonte, Day-O!

Pain is temporary, but Glory lasts a lifetime.   
     — Len Goodman, Dancing with the Stars

“She stared at him dully and said: ‘I don’t like crooks,
and even if I did, I wouldn’t like crooks that are stoolpigeons,
and if I liked crooks that are stoolpigeons, I still wouldn’t like you.’”
     — Dashiell Hammett

From 30 feet away she looked like a lot of class.
From 10 feet away she looked like something made up to be seen from 30 feet away.
     ― Raymond Chandler, The High Window

Throw up into your typewriter every morning.
Clean up every afternoon.”
     ― Raymond Chandler, on the art of writing

 He looked about as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food cake.”   
     ― Raymond Chandler

She lowered her lashes until they almost cuddled her cheeks and slowly raised them again, like a theatre curtain.
I was to get to know that trick. That was supposed to make me roll over on my back with all four paws in the air.
     ― Raymond Chandler, The Big Sleep

She smelled the way the Taj Mahal looks by moonlight.   
    — Raymond Chandler, The Little Sister

“I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn’t need a gun, you’d better take one along that worked.”  
    —  Raymond Chandler, The Long Goodbye

“It got dark and the rain-clouded lights of the stores were soaked up by the black street.”
     — Raymond Chandler, The Big Sleep

I’m not sure where I’m going, but I know where I’m going to end up.
     — Stan Getz

“I smelled of gin. Not just casually, as if I had taken four or five drinks of a winter morning to get out of bed on, but as if the Pacific Ocean was pure gin and I had nosedived off the boat deck.
The gin was in my hair and eyebrows, on my chin and under my chin.  It was on my shirt.  I smelled like dead toads.”
    ― Raymond Chandler, The Lady in The Lake

“Had my books been any worse I would not have been invited to Hollywood; and if they had been any better I would not have come.”  
    ― Raymond Chandler

“I had learned nothing about poor, dead Amy Rogers from the Dean of Arts & Sciences. 
But as I walked through the outer office, I glanced down his secretary’s blouse, looking for clues.”
    ― Spenser, in an early novel by Robert Parker

Quotes from the film, Let It Ride:

Jay Trotter: “May I… buy you a drink?”
Mrs. Davis: “I don’t see why not. I’m on the pill.

Counter Girl: “You could be walking around lucky, and not even know it.”

Greenberg looks at Vicki, then addresses Trotter:
GREENBERG: “She has very long legs.”
VICKI: “Thanks. They go from my ass all the way to the floor!”

“SUNPOOL” – A poem by J.X. Mason

In the universe one page over,
There are powerful magnets at my location.
They are pulling the Sunlight down
Into a puddle near my cabin door.
The Sunlight is pooling there, deep yellow, like honey.

A wooden step outside my door
Has been hollowed down
By the boots of Colorado Miners
Who lived here before me.

That hollow is the bottom of my Sun bowl.
The light is deepest and warmest there.
I could dip my spoon into that burnished pine
And it would be soft, like beeswax.

In the universe one page over,
The huge steel magnets might be
Part of a Great Power Plant.
Master Mechanics on catwalks there
Listen to deep-thrumming turbines below.

Outside my cabin door
The mountain dust on the wooden steps
Vibrates in the Power Field.
Motes float up in the deep pool of Sunlight.
        — J.X. Mason

“The Holly bears a prickle as sharp as any thorn.”
     ― The Holly and the Ivy, English Carol

An Englishman says, “Hey, you, get off of my cloud.”
A Scotsman says, “Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe.”  
     ― Michael Carter

Dean Wormer: Greg, what is the worst fraternity on this campus?
Frat-boy Greg: That would be hard to say, sir. They’re each outstanding in their own way.
Dean Wormer: Cut the horseshit, son. I’ve got their disciplinary files right here. Who dropped a whole truckload of fizzies into the swim meet? Who delivered the medical school cadavers to the alumni dinner? Every Halloween, the trees are filled with underwear. Every spring, the toilets explode.
Frat-boy Greg: You’re talking about Delta, sir.
Dean Wormer: Of course I’m talking about Delta, you TWERP!!! This year is going to be different. This year we are going to grab the bull by the balls and kick those punks off campus.
Frat-boy Greg: What do you intend to do sir? Delta’s already on probation.
Dean Wormer: They are?
Frat-boy Greg: Yes, sir.
Dean Wormer: Oh. Then as of this moment, they’re on double secret probation!
Frat-boy Greg: Double secret probation, sir?
Dean Wormer: There is a little-known codicil in the Faber College constitution which gives the dean unlimited power to preserve order in time of campus emergency. Find me a way to revoke Delta’s charter. You live next door. Put Neidermeyer on it. He’s a sneaky little shit, just like you, right? [Greg nods] The time has come for someone to put their foot down. That foot is me!          

JOHN MUIR QUOTATIONS:

“When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the Universe.”
    —  My First Summer in the Sierra, 1911, page 110.

“God never made an ugly landscape. All that the sun shines on is beautiful, so long as it is wild.”
         — Source for this version of this quote is: The Scenery of
            California, California Early History.

“No synonym for God is so perfect as Beauty. Whether as seen carving the lines of the mountains with glaciers, or gathering matter into stars, or planning the movements of water, or gardening – still all is Beauty! “
           — John of the Mountains, 1938.

“Any fool can destroy trees. They cannot run away; and if they could, they would still be destroyed — chased and hunted down as long as fun or a dollar could be got out of their bark hides, branching horns, or magnificent bole backbones. Few that fell trees plant them; nor would planting avail much towards getting back anything like the noble primeval forests. … It took more than three thousand years to make some of the trees in these Western woods — trees that are still standing in perfect strength and beauty, waving and singing in the mighty forests of the Sierra. Through all the wonderful, eventful centuries … God has cared for these trees, saved them from drought, disease, avalanches, and a thousand straining, leveling tempests and floods; but he cannot save them from fools — only Uncle Sam can do that.”
           — John Muir, Our National Parks (1901) chapter 10.

“Everything is flowing — going somewhere, animals and so-called lifeless rocks as well as water. Thus, the snow flows fast or slow in grand beauty-making glaciers and avalanches; the air in majestic floods carrying minerals, plant leaves, seeds, spores, with streams of music and fragrance; water streams carrying rocks… While the stars go streaming through space pulsed on and on forever like blood…in Nature’s warm heart.” 
          — John Muir, My First Summer in the Sierra (1911)

“Most people are on the world, not in it — have no conscious sympathy or relationship to anything about them — undiffused, separate, and rigidly alone like marbles of polished stone, touching but separate.” — John of the Mountains:  page 320.

“The sea was surging among the pilings like the blithe mindless forces of dissolution.”   
    — Ross Macdonald

“The smell of the sea, of kelp and fish and bitter moving water, rose stronger in my nostrils. It flooded my consciousness like an ancestral memory. The swells rose sluggishly and fell away, casting up dismal gleams between the boards of the pier. And the whole pier rose and fell in stiff and creaking mimicry, dancing its long slow dance of dissolution. I reached the end and saw no one, heard nothing but my footsteps and the creak of the beams, the slap of waves on the pilings. It was a fifteen-foot drop to the dim water.”
    — Ross Macdonald, The Drowning Pool

From the film, FULL METAL JACKET:

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Do any of you people know who Charles Whitman was? None of you dumbasses knows? Private Cowboy?

Private Cowboy: Sir, he was that guy who shot all those people from that tower in Austin, Texas, sir!

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: That’s affirmative. Charles Whitman killed twelve people from a twenty-eight-story observation tower at the University of Texas from distances up to four hundred yards. Anybody know who Lee Harvey Oswald was? Private Snowball?

Private Snowball: Sir, he shot Kennedy, sir!

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: That’s right, and do you know how far away he was?

Private Snowball: Sir, it was pretty far! From that book suppository building, sir!

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: All right, knock it off! Two hundred and fifty feet! He was two hundred and fifty feet away and shooting at a moving target. Oswald got off three rounds with an old Italian bolt action rifle in only six seconds and scored two hits, including a head shot! Do any of you people know where these individuals learned to shoot? Private Joker?

Private Joker: Sir, in the Marines, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: In the Marines! Outstanding! Those individuals showed what one motivated marine and his rifle can do! And before you ladies leave my island, you will be able to do the same thing!
         — From the film, Full Metal Jacket

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: The deadliest weapon in the world is a Marine and his rifle. It is your killer instinct which must be harnessed if you expect to survive in combat. Your rifle is only a tool. It is the hard heart that kills. If your killer instincts are not clean and strong you will hesitate at the moment of truth. You will not kill. You will become dead Marines, and then you will be in a world of shit because Marines are not allowed to die without permission!  Do you maggots understand?
Recruits: Sir, Yes Sir!  

Quotations from Coco Chanel:

• “I don’t care what you think about me.  I don’t think about you at all.”

• “The most courageous act is to think for yourself. ”

• “Hard times arouse an instinctive desire for authenticity.”

• “Look for the woman in the dress. If there is no woman, there is no dress.”
  
  

 “Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell’s heart I stab at thee; for hate’s sake I spit my last breath at thee. Sink all coffins and all hearses to one common pool! and since neither can be mine, let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, though tied to thee, thou damn-ed whale!”   
    — Captain Ahab:  Moby Dick, by Herman Melville

Linus: “Happiness lies in our destiny like a cloudless sky before the storm clouds of tomorrow destroy the dreams of yesterday and last week.”
Charlie Brown: “I think that blanket is doing something to you!”
    — Charles Shultz, Peanuts

“Summer is like living in a light bulb, with the leaves
Like filaments and the sky, a shell of thin, transparent glass
Enclosing the late heaven of a summer day, a canopy
Of incandescent blue above the dappled sunlight golden
On the grass…”
    — John Keothe, from Sally’s Hair

Quotations from W. Somerset Maugham:

• “It’s a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.”

• “There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.”

• “We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person.”

• “The artist produces for the liberation of his soul. It is his nature to create as it is the nature of water to run down the hill.”

• “Any nation that thinks more of its ease and comfort than its freedom will soon lose its freedom; and the ironical thing about it is that it will lose its ease and comfort too.“

• “Love is a secretion of the glands.”

“Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaigning funds from the rich…  by promising to protect each from the other.”
    — Oscar Ameringer

“I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.”
    — Adlai Stevenson, 1952

“I do not like wars. They have uncertain outcomes.”
    — Queen Elizabeth I, in the film Elizabeth

“The day the soldiers stop bringing you their problems is the day you stopped leading them.
  They have either lost confidence that you can help them or concluded that you do not care. Either case is a failure of leadership.”
    ― General Colin Powell

“Our strategy in going after this army is very simple. First, we are going to cut it off, and then we are going to kill it.”
    ― General Colin Powell

“If Everything is equally important, nothing is important.”
   ― Jim Sullivan

Dialogue From the T.V. Series, Lonesome Dove:

Woodrow Call: [riding in San Antonio] Things sure have changed since the last time I was here. It’s all growed up.

Gus McCrae: Of course it’s growed up, Woodrow. We killed all the Indians and bandits so the bankers could move in.

Woodrow Call: Only a fool would want the Indians back.

Gus McCrae: Has it ever occurred to you, Woodrow; that all the work we done was for the bankers? Hell, we killed off everybody that made this country interestin’!

“The older the violin, the sweeter the music.”    
      ― Gus McCrae, in the film, Lonesome Dove

“Lorie darlin’, life in San Francisco, you see, is still just life. If you want any one thing too badly, it’s likely to turn out to be a disappointment. The only healthy way to live life is to learn to like all the little everyday things, like a sip of good whiskey in the evening, a soft bed, a glass of buttermilk, or a feisty gentleman like myself!” ― Gus McCrae

[Texas Rangers Call and McCrae are about to hang Jake Spoon:]

Gus McCrae: You know how it goes, Jake. You ride with an outlaw, you die with an outlaw. Sorry you crossed the line.

Jake Spoon: I never seen no line, Gus. I was just trying to get through the territory without gettin’ scalped.

Gus McCrae: I don’t doubt that’s true, Jake.

“The Sun keeps all the planets on their appointed orbits, yet somehow manages to ripen a bunch of grapes, as if it had nothing else to do.”     
― Dr. Neil DeGrasse Tyson, 60 Minutes, 7/26/15

Comedian Diane Ford:
“Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen!  How are you all tonight? So I’m tall, blond, and I have bones and big teeth.
That’s right:  I’m from Minneeesoota!  Where it’s COLD!  Oh, ya, ya… Youuu Betch’a.  My Swedish family takes a lot of pride, though. And they should. Think what my ancestors had to go through to get here. They crossed an ocean, mountains, forests, rivers, and prairie, Just to find the ONE place….that was just as fuckin’ miserable as the one they left!”
― Diane Ford, Women of the Night, ~1980

Three similar quotes from Hermann Hesse’s Siddartha (1946 Nobel Prize winner for L literature):

1. “They both listened silently to the water, which to them was not just water, but the voice of life, the voice of Being, the voice of perpetual Becoming.”

2. “Have you also learned that secret from the river; that there is no such thing as time? That the river is everywhere at the same time, at the source and at the mouth, at the waterfall, at the ferry, at the current, in the ocean and in the mountains, everywhere and that the present only exists for it, not the shadow of the past nor the shadow of the future.”

3. “And all the voices, all the goals, all the yearnings, all the sorrows, all the pleasures, all the good and evil, all of them together was the world. All of them together was the stream of events, the music of life.”

Not by the forces of civil war can you govern even the very weakest woman. You can kill that woman, but she escapes you then; so you cannot govern her.  No power on Earth can govern a human being, however feeble, who withholds his or her consent.    
      ― Emmeline Pankhurst, Leader for Women’s Suffrage

“I’ve begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons.  First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun.  It’s there for me every day.  And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There’s no mystery, no one asks for money, I don’t have to dress up, and there’s no boring pageantry.  And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to ‘God’ are all answered at about the same fifty-percent rate.”        
      ― George Carlin

Major Strasser:  Are you one of those people who cannot imagine the Germans in their beloved Paris?
Rick:  It’s not particularly my beloved Paris.
Major Strasser:  Can you imagine us in London?
Rick:  When you get there, ask me.
Strasser:  How about New York?
Rick:  There are certain sections of New York, Major, that I would not advise you to try to invade.
      ― from The motion picture, Casablanca

 I might catch an eel…
(Well, I might.  It depends.)
…A long twisting eel
With a lot of strange bends
And oddly enough,
With a tail on both ends!
One doesn’t catch this kind of fish as a rule,
But the chances are fine in McEligot’s Pool!
     ― Dr. Seuss

> “Bali Ha’i,” from the musical, South Pacific
Most people live on a lonely island, Lost in the middle of a foggy sea.
Most people long for another island, One where they know they will like to be….

> Bali Ha’i may call you, Any night, any day,
In your heart, you’ll hear it call you:
“Come away…Come away.”

> Bali Ha’i will whisper, On the wind of the sea:
“Here am I, your special island! Come to me, come to me!”

> Your own special hopes, Your own special dreams,
Bloom on the hillside And shine in the streams.

> If you try, you’ll find me, Where the sky meets the sea.
“Here am I, your special island, Come to me, Come to me.”

> Bali Hai,  Bali Ha’i,  Bali Ha’i !

“One must be more than honest to govern Mexico.” 
    — Porfirio Diaz

Idealist:  “World Peace”
Realist:   “Whirled Peas”

Dialogue From the film, “The Last of the Mohicans:”

Hawkeye: (explaining why they cannot stop to bury the Cameron family, recently killed my enemy Indians):
Cora Munro:  In God’s name, why could we not stop to bury the Camerons?

Hawkeye:  Because the graves would have given away your nationality, and the direction of our travel.

Cora Munro:  I see, but still.…

Hawkeye:  My father’s people say that at the birth of the sun and of his brother the moon, their mother died. So the sun gave to the Earth her body, from which was to spring all life. And he drew forth from her breast the stars, and the stars he threw into the night sky to remind him of her soul. So there’s the Cameron’s monument. My folks’ too, I guess.

Cora Munro: You are right, Mr. Poe. We do not understand what is happening here. And it’s not as I imagined it would be, thinking of it in Boston and in London…

Hawkeye: Sorry to disappoint you.

Cora Munro: No, on the contrary. It is more deeply stirring to my blood than any imagining could possibly have been.

— From the film, The Last of the Mohicans

A Possible Top-Ten Islamic Terrorists List:

1. 1. Yassir Yassir Daz Mai Bey-bey
   2. Nasser Nasser Doan Min Maybe
   3. Ibn Abad Boy Ag-in
   4. Mohammed Doan Tol Me
   5. Jalal Kum Bak-Now, Hea?
   6. Ali Ali Oxen-free
   7. Fazul’in Wid A’dul Knife-agin
   8. Mustafa Bin Osamma Otherguy
2. 9. Aba Daba Du Ya
   …and…
3. 10. Emily Vanderbilt Aldrich (Vassar ’64; Haight-Ashbury ’68; The Weathermen ’72; …. now unknown.)

A Man and a Woman in a Hotel Bar:
Woman:  It’s been great talking with you – so much in common!
Man:  Would you like to have dinner with me?
Woman:  Gosh, I’m old enough to be your mother.  But I’d like for you to meet my daughter.  Next summer, she’ll be in here.
Man:  I’m not looking for ‘Miss Right.’  I’m looking for ‘Miss Right-Now’

All My Ex’s Live in Texas, by George Strait:
   All my ex’s live in Texas
   And Texas is the place I’d dearly love to be
   But all my ex’s live in Texas
   And that’s why I hang my hat in Tennessee!

   Rosanna’s down in Texarkana, Wanted me to push her broom
   Sweet Eileen’s in Abilene, She forgot I hung the moon
   And Allison in Galveston, Somehow lost her sanity
   And Dimples who lives in Temple’s Got the law lookin’ for me!…

   …And that’s why I hang my hat in Tennessee..!      
        — George Strait

“You cursed brat!
Look what you’ve done!
I’m melting!  Melting!
Oh, what a world!  What a world!
Who would have thought a good little girl like you
Could destroy my beautiful wickedness?
Oooooh…I’m going!… Ooooh!… Ooooooh!
      —  Wicked Witch of the West, in The Wizard of Oz

You can’t Think your way into Right Action,
But you can Act your way into Right Thinking.
    — Bill Wilson, founder of A.A.

You have the clocks,
But we have the time.
    — Afghan saying

Socialism: The greatest system ever invented…
…for making people equally poor.
     — Tom Friedman

That ain’t my pick-up in her driveway,
That ain’t my shadow on her wall.
     — Rhett Akins

“Dropkick Me, Jesus“ —  by Bobby Bare:
Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goal posts of life
End over end, neither left nor to right
Straight through the heart of them righteous up-rights
Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goal posts of life!…
        — Bobby Bare

Mother:      When will you cut your dreadlocks?
Daughter:  When it doesn’t matter to you.

The rain fell like dead bullets.   
     ― Scott Nicholson

“The difference between a madman and me is that I am not mad.”
     — Salvador Dali

I needed a drink, I needed a lot of life insurance, I needed a vacation, I needed a home in the country.
What I had was a coat, a hat and a gun.
     — Raymond Chandler, Farewell, My Lovely

I’m an occasional drinker, the kind of guy who goes out for a beer and wakes up in Singapore with a full beard.
     — Raymond Chandler, The King in Yellow

It was a blonde. A blonde to make a bishop kick a hole in a stained-glass window.    
     — Raymond Chandler, Farewell, My Lovely

There was a desert wind blowing that night. It was one of those hot dry Santa Anas that come down through the mountain passes and curl your hair and make your nerves jump and your skin itch. On nights like that every booze party ends in a fight. Meek little wives feel the edge of the carving knife and study their husbands’ necks. Anything can happen. You can even get a full glass of beer at a cocktail lounge.   
     — Raymond Chandler, Red Wind

From 30 feet away she looked like a lot of class.
From 10 feet away she looked like something made up to be seen from 30 feet away.
     — Raymond Chandler, The High Window

She lowered her lashes until they almost cuddled her cheeks and slowly raised them again, like a theatre curtain.
I was to get to know that trick. That was supposed to make me roll over on my back with all four paws in the air.”
      — Raymond Chandler, The Big Sleep

If at first you don’t succeed,
Sky-diving is not for you.
           — Klick and Klack, The Tappet Brothers

“Glowworm,” — by The Mills Brothers (1952)
…Glow little glow-worm, fly of fire
Glow like an incandescent wire
Glow for the female of the species
Turn on the AC and the DC
This night could use a little brightnin’
Light up you little ol’ bug of lightnin’
When you gotta glow, you gotta glow!
Glow little glow-worm, glow!…

Mairzy Doats,” by The Pied Pipers (1944)
Mairzy doats and dozy doats
And liddle lamzy divey
A kiddley divey too, wouldn’t you?
Yes! Mairzy doats and dozy doats
and liddle lamzy diveyA kiddley divey too, wouldn’t you?…

“Praise The Lord and Pass the Ammunition!” (The Kay Kyser Band)

“Praise the Lord, we’re on a mighty mission
All aboard, we ain’t a-goin’ fishin’
Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition
And we’ll all stay free!”

“Praise the Lord and swing into position
Can’t afford to be a politician
Praise the Lord, we’re all between perdition
And the deep… blue… sea!”

— Kay Kyser and His Orchestra,
     Praise The Lord, and Pass the Ammunition (1943)

“There’s No Business Like Show Business!”
There’s No Business Like Show business!
Like no business I know!
Everything about it is appealing,
Everything that traffic will allow
Nowhere could you get that happy feeling
When you are stealing that extra bow…

…There’s no people like show people,
They smile when they are low!
Yesterday they told you, you would not go far,
that night you open and there you are
Next day on your dressing room they’ve hung a star,
let’s go on with the show! ”
      — Irving Berlin, There’s No Business Like Show Business

New York, New York: If you can fake it there,
You can fake it anywhere!
     — J.X. Mason

I had a nightmare last night.  I dreamed that when I woke up,
Every man in American was named “Raoul.”
              — J.X. Mason

Dialogue from the film, Platoon

KING:  Hey, Taylor, how the fuck you get here, anyway? You look educated. 
TAYLOR: I volunteered.
KING:  You did what?! 
TAYLOR: I volunteered. I dropped out of college… told ’em I wanted the infantry, combat, Vietnam.
KING:  You volunteered for this shit, man?
TAYLOR: Can you believe that? 
KING:  You’z a crazy fucker… giving up college.
TAYLOR: Didn’t make much sense. I wasn’t learning anything. I figured, why should just the poor kids go off to war…  and the rich kids always get away with it?
KING: What we got here is a crusader — sounds like it. Shit!  You gotta be rich in the first place to think like that. Everybody know… the poor always bein’ fucked over by the rich. Always have, always will.
              — From the motion picture, Platoon

 [ In the gold-camp of Deadwood, Dakota Territory, in 1876, the widow Garrett watches from her hotel room window as her con-man father and her lover the sheriff, (who have just left her dinner table) parlay in the street below her window.  As she reflects, she speaks absently to her recently adopted ward, 8-year-old Sophia: ]

WIDOW GARRETT: “If we had a kitchen, Sophia, after supper we women folk would retire to discuss and gossip on the most minute domestic matters; while the men walked, smoked, and argued over “more important” matters… and incidentally decided our fates.  If we didn’t hate them too much to be curious about the world, we’d ask them what they had to say.”    
    — Deadwood, Television Series on HBO

“I am embroiled in a dispute with a local squirrel. I disturbed her foraging yesterday morning when I emerged from the house.  She ran up a tree and chattered crossly at me from the lowest branch.  I hurled a pear core into the shrubbery, hoping to simultaneously appease her with a tasty morsel and throw down the gauntlet.  When I returned home in the evening, there were acorn shells on the stoop.  I feel that this was an aggressive gesture.” 
       — Holly Wendelin

“You cannot tell in advance how someone will take the responsibility of being President.”   
    — Harry S. Truman

Chattanooga Choo-Choo
Pardon me, boy
Is that the Chattanooga choo-choo?
Track twenty-nine!
Boy, you can gimme a shine

Can you afford
To board a Chattanooga choo-choo
I’ve got my fare
And just a trifle to spare

You leave the Pennsylvania Station ’bout a quarter to four
Read a magazine and then you’re in Baltimore
Dinner in the diner,
Nothing could be finer,
Then to have your ham an’ eggs in Carolina

When you hear the whistle blowin’ eight to the bar
Then you know that Tennessee is not very far
Shovel all the coal in
Gotta keep it rollin’
Woo, woo, Chattanooga there you are

There’s gonna be…
A certain party at the station
Satin and lace
I used to call “funny face”

She’s gonna cry
Until I tell her that I’ll never roam
So Chattanooga choo-choo
Won’t you choo-choo me home?
      — Gordon & Warren, Chattanooga Choo-Choo
                        Performed by the Andrews Sisters

“Representative Ashley, tell us the news from The Hill. 
Why, for instance, is this thus,
And what is the reason for this thus-ness?”
       — Abraham Lincoln, as portrayed in the movie Lincoln.

The “City of New Orleans, by Arlo Guthrie:”

“Riding on the City of New Orleans
Illinois Central, Monday morning rail
Fifteen cars and fifteen restless riders
Three conductors and twenty-five sacks of mail

“Passin’ trains that have no names
And freight yards full of old black men
And the graveyards of the rusted automobiles…

“Good morning, America!  How are ya?
Say, don’t you know me? I’m your native son
I’m the train they call the City of New Orleans!
And I’ll be gone five hundred miles when the day is done…
     — Goldhirsh & Goodman, City of New Orleans

Quotations from the architect, Frank Lloyd Wright:

• A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
• I believe in God, only I spell it “n-a-t-u-r-e.”
• Early in life I had to choose between honest arrogance and hypocritical humility. I chose honest arrogance and have seen no occasion to change.
• Study nature, love nature, stay close to nature. It will never fail you.
• The longer I live, the more beautiful life becomes.
• An idea is salvation by imagination.
• Every great architect is – necessarily – a great poet. He must be a great original interpreter of his time, his day, his age.
• The truth is more important than the facts.
• The thing always happens that you really believe in; and the belief in a thing makes it happen.
• Organic buildings are the strength and lightness of the spider’s spinning, buildings qualified by light, bred by native character to the environment, married to the ground.
• No house should ever be on a hill. It should be of the hill.  Belonging to it.  Hill and house should live together, each happier for the other.
• Space is the breath of art.
• Give me the luxuries of life, and I will willingly do without the necessities.
• Tip the world over on its side, and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

On the Sunny Side of the Street:
Grab your coat and get your hat
Leave your worries on the doorstep
Life can be so sweet
On the sunny side of the street…

…I used to walk in the shade with those blues on parade
But I’m not afraid because this rover crossed over

And if I never had a cent
I’d be rich as Rockefeller
With gold dust at my feet
On the sunny side of the street
           — Songwriter: Jimmy McHugh

Interviewer: Janis, did you sing a blues on that album?
Janis Joplin:  Man, I never sing a Blues.  I sing the Blues. There’s only one Blues.

Quotations from Marcus Aurelius’ book, “Meditations:”
(Marcus Aurelius was Emperor of Rome and a major Stoic Philosopher.)

• “Dwell on the beauty of life. Watch the stars, and see yourself running with them.”

• “You have power over your mind – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.”

• “The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts.”

• “Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth.”
  
  
• “Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.”

• “Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart.”
  
  
• “When you arise in the morning think of what a privilege it is to be alive, to think, to enjoy, to love …”

• “The best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury.”

• “Our life is what our thoughts make it.”

• “It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live.”

• “The soul becomes dyed with the color of its thoughts.”

• “When another blames you or hates you, or people voice similar criticisms, go to their souls, penetrate inside and see what sort of people they are. You will realize that there is no need to be racked with anxiety that they should hold any particular opinion about you.”

• “The first rule is to keep an untroubled spirit. The second is to look things in the face and know them for what they are.”

• “Do not act as if you were going to live ten thousand years. Death hangs over you. While you live, while it is in your power, be good.”
  
  

Quotations from Harry Truman:

• “It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.”

• “I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.”

• “Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.”

• “My choice early in life was either to be a piano player in a whorehouse or a politician. And to tell the truth, there’s hardly any difference.”

• “You want a friend in Washington, Get a dog!”

• “Tact is the ability to step on a man’s toes without messing up the shine on his shoes.”

• “A pessimist is one who makes difficulties of his opportunities and an optimist is one who makes opportunities of his difficulties.”

• “Whenever you have an efficient government, You have a dictatorship.”

• “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.”

The Hymn of Saint Francis of Assisi:

“Praised be you, my Lord, with all your creatures,
“Especially Sir Brother Sun, who is the day and through whom you give us light.
“And he is beautiful and radiant with great splendor; and bears a likeness of you, Most High.
“Praised be you, my Lord, through Sister Moon and the stars, in heaven you formed them clear and precious and beautiful.
“Praised be you, my Lord, through Brother Wind, and through the air, cloudy and serene,
“And every kind of weather, through whom you give sustenance to your creatures.
“Praised be you, my Lord, through Sister Water, who is very useful and humble and precious and chaste.
”Praised be you, my Lord, through Brother Fire, through whom you light the night, and he is beautiful and playful and robust and strong.”
      ― St. Francis of Assisi, Canticle of the Creatures
                  (quoted in Pope Francis’ Encyclical Letter, On Care For Our Common Home)

To A Skylark, by Percy Shelley:

Hail to thee, blithe Spirit!
Bird thou never wert,
That from Heaven, or near it,
Pourest thy full heart
In profuse strains of unpremeditated art.
Higher still and higher
From the earth thou springest
Like a cloud of fire;
The blue deep thou wingest,
And singing still dost soar, and soaring ever singest.
    ― Percy Shelley, To a Skylark (1820)

Surfin’ Bird, recorded by The Trashmen 1963 
A-well-a everybody’s heard  
About the bird — bird bird bird
B-bird’s the word — oh well-a bird bird bird
Bird is a word — oh well-a bird bird bird
Well-a bird is the word — oh well-a bird bird bird
B-bird’s the word — a-well-a bird bird bird…
… Well-a don’t you know ’bout the bird?
Well ev’rybody knows that the bird is a word!
    ― Surfin’ Bird, recorded by The Trashmen 1963

[ Moses comes down off Mt. Sinai, with a heavy stone tablet in each arm. 
[ Stopping on a lower cliff, he surveys the Israelites cavorting around a golden idol just below ]
MOSES: “People of Israel! God has given me these TWENTY….”          
[ Moses stumbles on a loose pebble and drops one of the stone tablets, which shatters on the rocks below! ]
MOSES: “….God has given me these TEN Commandments …”
     ― Mel Brooks, History of the World, Part I

“Good Writer’s Disease” is when a person has phrases so beautiful that he feels compelled to use them even when they aren’t true.
     ― Stephen Breyer, Justice of the Supreme Court

The Little Old Lady From Pasadena, by Jan and Dean:
Oh, the little old lady from Pasadena
(Go Granny, Go Granny, Go Granny, Go!)
Has a pretty little flower bed of white Gardenias
(Go Granny, Go Granny, Go Granny, Go!)

But parked in her rickety old garage
Is a brand new, Shiny Red, Super-Stock Dodge!

And everybody’s sayin’ that there’s nobody meaner
Than the little old lady from Pasadena
She drives real fast and she drives real hard
She’s the terror of Colorado Boulevard…

…It’s the little old lady from Pasadena!…
(Go Granny, Go Granny, Go Granny, Go!)
       ― Jan and Dean, 1963

Bob Dylan’s “Subterranean Homesick Blues:”

At age ninety-three, television writer and producer Norman Lear
Was asked to tell his secret for long life and peace of mind.  He replied:

    “Always remember two words: ‘Over’ and ‘Next.’
     When something is over, it is fully and completely OVER.
     Then turn the mind fully and completely to what’s NEXT.” 
              — Norman Lear, interviewed for NPR in 2015

A Cartoon from the 1980’s:

The Lone Ranger and Tonto have fallen on hard times.
Their days of movies and television are long gone. 
Now it’s just guest appearances at local charity telethons…

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are alone on an empty stage. 
The curtain is closed, separating them from the audience. 
Tonto is down on all fours, with his ear to the floorboards.
The Lone Ranger leans over Tonto,
Eager to learn what the Indian hears.
Tonto glances up, and says:
“Violins, Kemosabe!  Twenty, maybe thirty!”

“Doctor Science Answers Your Questions!”
     From Amy Smith, age 11: “Dr. Science, is it true that fingernails continue to grow after we are dead and in our graves?
     Dr. Science Answers – Yes, Amy, it is true!  And this is the scientific reason why all vampires have very long fingernails!

“The oldest, easiest-to-swallow idea [about our planet] was that the Earth was man’s personal property, a combination of garden, zoo, bank vault, and energy source, placed at our disposal to be consumed, ornamented, or pulled apart as we wished….[Now we know] that we are not the masters of nature that we thought ourselves; we are as dependent on the rest of life as are the leaves or midges or fish.  We are part of the system.  One way to put it is that the Earth is a loosely formed, spherical organism, with all its working parts linked in symbiosis.  We are, in this view, neither owners or operators; at best, we might see ourselves as motile tissue specialized for receiving information – perhaps, in the best of all possible worlds, functioning as a nervous system of the whole being.”
      — Lewis Thomas, Lives of a Cell: Notes of a Biology Watcher

When you’re frazzled and need to chill, just sit still and do a “buffalo smile.” 
It’s like a Mona Lisa smile, but with more gravitas… you know, like a buffalo.
     — from the HBO series, High Maintenance

“There are three kinds of men:
The one man who learns by reading,
The few who learn by observation, and
The rest who have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.”
      — Will Rogers

“We are in southwestern India, in the town of Shimoga.
We saw a six-legged bull the other day – two vestigial legs dangling from the spine,
painted and decorated with flowers and incense, as something holy, wandering around town.”
      — Laura Emerson, in a letter from India

Cooking Halloween Candy For the Kiddies:

Round about the cauldron go; In the poison’d entrails throw.  
Toad, that under cold stone, Days and nights hast thirty-one  
Swelter’d venom sleeping got, Boil thou first in the charmed pot.  

     “Double, double toil and trouble;
      Fire burn and cauldron bubble.”  

Fillet of a fenny snake, In the cauldron boil and bake;  
Eye of newt, and toe of frog, Wool of bat, and tongue of dog,  
Adder’s fork, and blind-worm’s sting,  Lizard’s leg, and owlet’s wing,  
For a charm of powerful trouble, Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.  

     “Double, double toil and trouble;  
      Fire burn and cauldron bubble.” 

— Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Scene I

The Lord’s Prayer:

> The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
> He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
> He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
> Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
> Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
> Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
         — Psalm 23 (King James version)

The Monster Mash, by Bobby “Boris” Pickett:
I was working in the lab, late one night
When my eyes beheld an eerie sight
For my monster from his slab, began to rise
And suddenly to my surprise

He did the mash, he did the monster mash
The monster mash, it was a graveyard smash
He did the mash, it caught on in a flash
He did the mash, he did the monster mash

From my laboratory in the castle east
To the master bedroom where the vampires feast
The ghouls all came from their humble abodes
To get a jolt from my electrodes…

They did the mash, they did the monster mash
The monster mash, it was a graveyard smash
They did the mash, it caught on in a flash
They did the mash, they did the monster mash…
     — Leonard Capizzi, Bob Pickett, The Monster Mash

Whoever does not love abides in death.    
     — 1 John 3:14

“Theme in Yellow:”

I spot the hills With yellow balls in autumn.
I light the prairie cornfields Orange and tawny gold clusters
And I am called pumpkins.

On the last of October When dusk is fallen
Children join hands And circle round me Singing ghost songs

And love to the harvest moon;
I am a jack-o’-lantern
With terrible teeth
And the children know I am fooling
    — Carl Sandburg

Nothing happens in business
Until the Salesman makes a sale.
   — George R. Wendelin

Old People Singing in the Kitchen:

Blue Spoon, you saw me standing alone
Without a dream in my heart
Without a soup of my own.

In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight.
In the kitchen, the mighty kitchen, the lemon squirts my eye

You never count your broccoli
When you’re settin’ it on the table
There’ll be time enough for countin’
When the eatin’s done.
   — J.X. Mason

Tutu, Tutsi, Goodbye… 
Toot, toot, Tootsie, goodbye
Toot, toot, Tootsie, don’t cry

The choo choo train that takes me
Away from you, no words can tell how sad it makes me

Kiss me, Tootsie, and then
Do it over again

Watch for the mail, I’ll never fail
If you don’t get a letter then you’ll know I’m in jail

Tut, tut, Tootsie, don’t cry
Toot, toot, Tootsie, goodbye!
    — Al Jolson, 1922

Two Irishmen walk out of a bar.
…Well, it could happen.
     — Unknown Irishman

“Memory,” from the musical, Cats:
Midnight!
Not a sound from the pavement
Has the moon lost her memory?
She is smiling alone
In the lamplight
The withered leaves collect at my feet
And the wind begins to moan

Memory, all alone in the moonlight
I can dream of the old days
Life was beautiful then

I remember the time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again…
    — Andrew Lloyd Webber, Memory; from Cats

 The Obstacle is the Path 
    — Zen saying

The ancient Masters were profound and subtle…
…They were careful as someone crossing an iced-over stream.
Alert as a warrior in enemy territory.
Courteous as a guest.
Fluid as ice.
Shapeable as a block of wood.
Receptive as a valley.
Clear as a glass of water.

Do you have the patience to wait
Until your mud settles and the water is clear?
Can you remain unmoving until the right action arises by itself?

The Master doesn’t seek fulfillment.
Not seeking, not expecting,
She is present, and can welcome all things.
   — Lao Tsu, The Tao Te Ch’ing, #15

“Alley Oop!”  — by the Hollywood Argyles
“There’s a man in the funny papers we all know
    (Alley-Oop, oop, oop, oop-oop)
He lives way back a long time ago
    (Alley-Oop, oop, oop, oop-oop)
He don’t eat nothin’ but a bearcat stew
    (Alley-Oop, oop, oop, oop-oop)
Well, this cat’s name is a Alley-Oop…

“He got a chauffeur that’s a genuine dinosaur-wa
And he can knuckle your head before you count to four-wa
He got a big ugly club and a head full of hair-owa
Like great big lions and grizzly bears…”
    Alley-Oop!, by the Argyles

Quotes from John Adams, Second U.S. President:

•  We are a nation of laws, not a nation of men.
• “There are two types of education… One should teach us how to make a living, and the other how to live.”
• “Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people”. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other.”
• “Human passions unbridled by morality and religion…would break the strongest cords of our Constitution as a whale goes through a net.”
• “The government of the United States is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion.”
• “Liberty cannot be preserved without a general knowledge among the people.”
• “Liberty, once lost, is lost forever.”
• There is danger from all men. The only maxim of a free government ought to be to trust no man living with power to endanger the public liberty.
• This would be the best of all possible worlds, if there were no religion in it.”
• “But I must submit all my Hopes and Fears, to an overruling Providence, in which, unfashionable as the Faith may be, I firmly believe.”
• “To believe all men honest is folly. To believe none is something worse.”
• Always stand on principle — even if you stand alone.”
• “Let the human mind loose. It must be loose. It will be loose. Superstition and dogmatism cannot confine it.”

Marriage trades Variety for Regularity.   
    — J. X. Mason

Second marriages are the triumph of hope over experience. 
    — Samuel Johnson

A third marriage is like a burn victim who Promises the moderate use of flame-throwers.   
    — Robin Williams

“The Lion Sleeps Tonight,” by the Tokens
“(A-wio-mum-aweh, a-wio-mum-aweh)
  (A-wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a-wimoweh,)

In the jungle, the mighty jungle
The Lion sleeps tonight
In the jungle, the quiet jungle
The Lion sleeps tonight!…”
      — Recorded by The Tokens

You can’t have it all
You can only have what you get.
     — Unknown Zen Master (possibly Yogi Berra!)

Well done is better than well said.
     — Benjamin Franklin

One finds the limits by pushing them.  
     — Herbert Simon

The secret of getting ahead is getting started.
     — Mark Twain

Act as if what you do makes a difference.  It does.  
     — William James

Success is going from failure to failure
With no loss of enthusiasm.
     — Winston Churchill

You can’t wait for inspiration.
You have to go after it with a club.
     — Jack London

 You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.   
     — Wayne Gretzky

Fortune sides with him who dares. 
     — Virgil

Believe you can and you’re halfway there.  
     — Teddy Roosevelt

The only person you are destined to become
Is the person you decide to be.
     — Ralph Waldo Emerson

Start where you are.  Use what you have. Do what you can.”  
     — Arthur Ashe

Build your own dreams,
Or someone else will hire you to build theirs.
     — Farah Gray

When I let go of what I am,
I become what I might be.
     — Lao Tsu

A person who never made a mistake
Never tried anything new.
     — Albert Einstein

There are no traffic jams along the extra mile.   
     — Roger Staubach

Not all dreamers are winners,
But all winners are dreamers.
     — Mark Gorman

[ In the movie, No Country for Old Men,
Sheriff Ed-Tom Bell and Sheriff Roscoe Giddens
discuss the sad state of the world, after visiting
the crime scene of a drug-related multiple murder: ]

Sheriff Giddens:
“It’s all the goddamned money, Ed-Tom.Money and the drugs!
It’s just beyond everything. What’s it mean?  What’s it leadin’ to?
You know, if you told me twenty years ago
That I’d see children walkin’ the streets of our Texas towns
With green haair….and bones in their noses,
I just flat out wouldn’t have believed you!”

Sheriff Bell:
“Signs and Wonders”…“Signs and Wonders”…
But I think once you quit hearin’ “Sir” and “Ma’am,”
The rest is soon to foller.”

Sheriff Giddens:
“Oh yeah, it’s the tide.
It’s the dismal tide.
It is not the one thang!”

Sheriff Bell:
“Not the one thang.”

“Look to the ant, you sluggard;
Consider her ways and be wise!
She has no commander, no overseer or ruler,
Yet she stores her provisions in summer
And gathers her food at harvest.”
     — Proverbs 6:6-8

You become what you believe.   
     — Oprah Winfrey

“Blessed are those who find Wisdom, those who gain understanding,
 for She is more profitable than silver
 and yields better returns than gold.

“She is more precious than rubies; Nothing you desire can compare with her.
Long life is in her right hand; in her left hand are riches and honor.
Her ways are pleasant ways, and all her paths are peace.

“She is a tree of life to those who take hold of her;   
Those who hold her fast will be blessed.”
         — Proverbs 3:13-18

“Brand New Key,” by Melanie Safka:
I rode my bicycle past your window last night
I roller-skated to your door at daylight

It almost seems like you’re avoiding me
I’m okay alone, but you’ve got something I need

“Well, I’ve got a brand new pair of roller skates
You got a brand new key!”

I think that we should get together
And try them on to see…”
     — Brand New Key   

“Is There a Santa Claus?”
“Dear Editor— “I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus.
Papa says, “If you see it in The Sun, it’s so.” Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?”
     — Virginia O’Hanlon
     –115 West Ninety Fifth Street
“Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men’s or children’s, are little. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge… Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see… He lives and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood…
… [ To See Editor Frank Church’s complete letter, reprinted from the September 21, 1897, edition of The New York Sun, go to: https://www.cs.cmu.edu/~pausch/Randy/Randy/santa.htm.]

A house is just a place to keep your stuff,
While you go out… and get more stuff !
    — George Carlin

Winter:
When icicles hang by the wall, And Dick the shepherd blows his nail
And Tom bears logs into the hall, And milk comes frozen home in pail,
When Blood is nipped and ways be foul,Then nightly sings the staring owl,
Tu-who;
Tu-whit, tu-who:
A merry note, while greasy Joan doth keel the pot.

When all aloud the wind doth blow, And coughing drowns the parson’s saw,
And birds sit brooding in the snow, And Marian’s nose looks red and raw
When roasted crabs hiss in the bowl, Then nightly sings the staring owl,
Tu-who;
Tu-whit, tu-who: a merry note,
While greasy Joan doth keel the pot.
     —  Winter, a poem by William Shakespeare

Notes on the above:
“Blow his nail” = blow on his cold hands and fingernails
“Blood is nipped” = blood is cold (as in, “it’s nippy outside”)
“Blood be foul” = everyone is sick with winter colds
“Greasy Joan” = the kitchen maid (but also slang for a prostitute)
“Keel the pot” = turn the pot on its side (but also possibly….?)
“Parson’s saw” = parson’s boring sermon

“If you cast a beautiful net
You may still catch things that are not beautiful.”
     — Unknown

Wintertime:

Late lies the wintry sun a-bed,
A frosty, fiery sleepy-head;
Blinks but an hour or two; and then, 
A blood-red orange, sets again.
Before the stars have left the skies,
At morning in the dark I rise;
And shivering in my nakedness,
By the cold candle, bathe and dress.
Close by the jolly fire I sit,
To warm my frozen bones a bit;
Or with a reindeer-sled, explore, 
The colder countries round the door.
When to go out, my nurse doth wrap
Me in my comforter and cap;
The cold wind burns my face, and
Blows Its frosty pepper up my nose.
Black are my steps on silver sod;
Thick blows my frosty breath abroad;
And tree and house, and hill and lake, 
Are frosted like a wedding cake.
     — Winter-Time, by Robert Louis Stevenson

The Tyger:

Tyger, Tyger burning bright, In the forests of the night;
What immortal hand or eye, Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

In what distant deeps or skies, Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire? What the hand, dare seize the fire?

And what shoulder, & what art, Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat, What dread hand? & what dread feet?

What the hammer? what the chain, In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? what dread grasp, Dare its deadly terrors clasp!

When the stars threw down their spears And water’d heaven with their tears:
Did he smile his work to see? Did he who made the Lamb make thee?

    —  The Tyger, by William Blake

“Directing is 90% casting.”
    —   John Ford

It is not enough merely to win;
Others must lose.
    —   Gore Vidal

Abraham Lincoln’s Consoling Letter to a War Widow:

[ In the autumn of 1864, Massachusetts Governor John A. Andrew wrote to President Lincoln asking him to express condolences to Mrs. Lydia Bixby, a widow believed to have lost five sons during the Civil War. Lincoln’s letter to her was printed by the Boston Evening Transcript:]

Executive Mansion,
Washington, Nov. 21, 1864.

“Dear Madam,

“I have been shown in the files of the War Department a statement of the Adjutant General of Massachusetts that you are the mother of five sons who have died gloriously on the field of battle.

“I feel how weak and fruitless must be any word of mine which should attempt to beguile you from the grief of a loss so overwhelming. But I cannot refrain from tendering you the consolation that may be found in the thanks of the Republic they died to save.

“I pray that our Heavenly Father may assuage the anguish of your bereavement and leave you only the cherished memory of the loved and lost, and the solemn pride that must be yours to have laid so costly a sacrifice upon the altar of freedom.”

 Yours, very sincerely and respectfully,  — A. Lincoln

[ Later it was revealed that only two of Mrs. Bixby’s five sons died in battle, Charles and Oliver. Of the remainder, one deserted the army, one was honorably discharged, and another deserted or died a prisoner of war. The authorship of the letter has been debated by scholars, some of whom believe it was written instead by John Hay, one of Lincoln’s White House secretaries. ]

Doctor Science Answers Your Questions!
From Mary Jones, age 14 – “Dr. Science, is it true that werewolves eat people when there is a full moon?”
Dr. Science Answers – Yes, Mary, it is true!  And this is the scientific reason why teenage girls should never date long-haired rock musicians.

General Douglas MacArthur’s Farewell Speech,  to the Corps of Cadets at West Point, May 12, 1962

“You now face a new world, a world of change…And through all this welter of change and development your mission remains fi ed, determined, inviolable. It is to win our wars. Everything else in your professional career is but corollary to this vital dedication. All other public purpose, all other public projects, all other public needs, great or small, will find others for their accomplishments; but you are the ones who are trained to fight…

“Yours is the profession of arms, the will to win, the sure knowledge that in war there is no substitute for victory, that if you lose, the Nation will be destroyed, that the very obsession of your public service must be Duty, Honor, Country…“Others will debate the controversial issues, national and international, which divide men’s minds…

“But serene, calm, aloof, you stand as the Nation’s war guardians… “The long gray line has never failed us. Were you to do so, a million ghosts in olive drab, in brown khaki, in blue and gray, would rise from their white crosses, thundering those magic words: Duty, Honor, Country…

“…In the evening of my memory I come back to West Point. Always there echoes and re-echoes: Duty, Honor, Country… I want you to know that when I cross the river, my last conscious thoughts will be of the Corps, and the Corps, and the Corps. I bid you farewell.”
      — General Douglas MacArthur

Pain is weakness leaving the body.
      — Marine Corps saying

Pain is strength entering the body. Because the first thing every newborn baby experiences is pain – the pain of light hitting his or her eyes for the first time; the slap on the butt that makes the baby take the first breath and begin to cry.  It’s as if the world is saying, “Welcome!  Welcome to the struggle of life.”
      — J. X. Mason

Thanksgiving is “The Rapture” for turkeys.
      — Unknown

Death, Like an over-flowing stream, Sweeps us away. 
Our Life is like a Dream” 
      — From a tombstone, circa 1750, Granby Connecticut.

Sayings by Voltaire:

• Doubt is not a pleasant condition;
  but it certainty is an absurd one. 
      
• The longer we dwell on our misfortunes;
  The greater is their power to harm us.
  
  
• “Excellently observed;” answered Candide;
  “But let us cultivate our gardens.”
  
  
• It is difficult to free fools from the chains they revere.

• If you think money does everything;
  You will end up doing everything for money

The Earth does not belong to us. We belong to the Earth.
Whatever befalls the Earth befalls the sons and daughters of Earth.  
We did not weave the Web of Life; we are merely strands in it.
Whatever we do to the Web, we do to ourselves. 
     — Chief Seattle, Chief of the Squamish Nation

The Thief’s Dilemma:
The goods are odd,
But the odds are good.
    — Unknown

[ Sarah MacDonald is an Australian reporter and television host who lived in India for several years.  On her return to Australia, she wrote of her experiences in the best-selling memoir, “Holy Cow: An Indian Adventure,” published in 2002.  At one point in the book, Ms. MacDonald tells us that: “Sadhus are men who have abandoned their families to travel India’s sacred sites and dedicate their lives to worship.”  Then, she recounts something that occurs as she and her sleeping husband, Jonathan, are riding in a taxi outside Delhi…]

“Suddenly the smog parts like a curtain.  A being emerges. Naked, straight-baked, as gray as a ghost, his dreadlocks trail in the dirt.  He carries a trident like the devil’s rod.  It’s an aghori – a sadhu that lives in a cremation ground.  A sadhu that smears himself with the ashes of the dead, drinks from human skulls, and looks for salvation in stoned madness.  His red eyes look straight through me.  It’s a look from another world, a window to nothingness, a black hole of emptiness.  My bones snap dry, my blood freezes, my breath is suspended.  I’m being shot by a supernatural shotgun. The aghori merges back into the mist.  Jonathan wakes and I can’t talk to tell him what happened.”
          — Sarah MacDonald, Holy Cow

“If you can convince the lowest white man that he’s better than the best colored man, he won’t notice you picking his pocket.
Hell, give him somebody to look down on, and he’ll empty his pockets for you!” 
     — President Lyndon Baines Johnson

Workin’ at The Carwash Blues, by Jim Croce
Well, I had just got out from the county prison
Doin’ ninety days for non-support
Tried to find me an e executive position
But no matter how smooth I talked

They wouldn’t listen to the fact that I was genius
The man say, “We got all that we can use.”
Now I got them steadily depressin’, low down mind messin’
Working at the Car Wash blues

Well, I should be sittin’ in a swivel chair,
Talkin’ some trash to the secretaries
Sayin’, “Here, now mama, come on over here.”
Instead, I’m stuck here rubbin’ these fenders with a rag…

And walkin’ home in soggy old shoes
With them steadily depressin’, low down mind messin’
Workin’ at the Car Wash blues…

You might not believe that it’s true
For workin’ at this end of Niagara Falls
Is an undiscovered Howard Hughes!
So baby, don’t expect to see me…

“With no double martini in any high-brow society news
‘Cause I got them steadily depressin’, low down mind messin’
Workin’ at the car wash blues!
     — Jim Croce

Hunter S. Thompson defines ‘Gonzo Journalism:’
1.  Find an event.
2.  Immerse yourself in it.
3.  Become the story.

How to Count in “Hillbilly:”
     ‘One, Two, … and a Shit-load.’

“The dachshund is affectionate,
He wants to wed with you:
Lie down to sleep, And he’s in bed with you.
Sit in a chair, He’s there.
Depart, You break his heart.”
    — from Fashions in Dogs, by E.B. White

“Never complain, never explain.”
    — Benjamin Disraeli (P.M. 1874-80)

“Witch Doctor,” by David Seville
I told the witch doctor I was in love with you
I told the witch doctor I was in love with you
And then the witch doctor, He told me what to do…
He said that…
Ooo eee, Ooo ah ah, ting tang 
Walla walla, bing bang
Ooo eee, Ooo ah ah, ting tang
Walla walla bing bang…
    — David Seville & The Chipmunks, The Witch Doctor

“Mairzy Doats,” by the Marry Macs
…“Mairzy doats and dozy doats and liddle lamzy divey
A kiddley divey too, wouldn’t you?
Yes! Mairzy doats and dozy doats and liddle lamzy divey
A kiddley divey too, wouldn’t you?
       [ Origin traced to manuscript dated 1450 saying:
       “Is gote Eate yvy?  Mare eate ootys.” ]

Cowards die many times before their deaths;
The valiant never taste of death but once.
Of all the wonders that I yet have heard,
It seems to me most strange that men should fear;
Seeing that death, a necessary end,
Will come when it will come.
     — Shakespeare, Julius Caesar, Act 2 scene 2

“I Can’t Get Started (with You),” by Gershwin & Duke 
I’ve flown around the world in a plane
I’ve settled revolutions in Spain
And the North Pole I have charted
Still I can’t get started with you

On the golf course, I’m under par
Metro Goldwyn have asked me to star
I’ve got a house, a showplace
Still I can’t get no place with you…

… I’ve been consulted by Franklin D.
Greta Garbo has had me to tea
Still I’m broken-hearted
‘Cause I can’t get started with you!
        — Music by George Gershwin,
                 Lyrics by Vernon Duke. (1936)

I was standing at the men’s room urinal at Bravo Italian Restaurant, in Fredericksburg, Virginia,
When a young father and his five-year-old son entered the room: 

FATHER:  Okay, Tommy, #1 or #2 ?
SON:        Oh! This one, Dad, this one !
FATHER:  Fine, #1 it is.
SON:        So cool, Dad!  It goes all the way down to the floor!
FATHER:  Yes, most urinals hang on the wall, but this one goes all the way down.
SON:        Wow!  So Cool.
FATHER:  Yeah, cool… watch out where you put your feet, son.
SON:        Smells kinda funny, doesn’t it.
FATHER:  Yeah,… Tommy… don’t lean so close.  There’s germs in it.

Laughing, I remark to the Father on my way out —  “Hey, everything’s a new Discovery at that age, right?”
FATHER:  Oh Yeah….tell me about it !
       — J.X. Mason

John Dewey, America’s “Learn by Doing” Educator:

• Give the pupils something to do, not something to learn; and if the doing demands thinking, learning naturally results.
  
  
• With each new generation, democracy must be born anew; and the midwife is education.
  
  
• To find out what one is meant to do, and to secure an opportunity to do it, is the key to happiness.
  
  
• Art is not the possession of the few who are recognized writers, painters, musicians; it is the authentic expression of any and all individuality.

When gold miners laugh, they sound like this: 
“Ore dee ore, ore, ore!”
      — Unknown

Time is here today and gone tomorrow.
Time is valuable, but we can’t stop spending it.
Time is free, but also the most valuable thing of all.
Time can be wasted, but not recycled.
Time is what we want most, but use worst.
      — Unknown

Headline News, Boston, 1937:
“The notorious hotel pickpocket “Champagne Charlene,” The “Woman of A Thousand Wallets,”
Appeared in court today in a low-cut dress, where she decided to sing her way out of multiple robbery arrests.
Judge Thomas O’Rourke dismissed all charges. 
Press photographers blinded themselves with light bulbs. 
Reporters dropped their pencils and tripped over their tongues.”

“I have a dream, that my four little children
Will one day live in a nation where they are
Not judged by the color of their skin,
But by the content of their character.”
     — The Reverend Doctor Martin Luther King

Lay Down (Candles in the Rain) — by Melanie
Lay down lay down, let it all down
Let your white birds smile up at the
Ones who stand and frown
Lay down lay down, let it all down
Let your white birds smile up at the
Ones who stand and frown

We were so close, there was no room
We bled inside each other’s wounds
We all had caught the same disease
And we all sang the songs of peace…

Lay down lay down, let it all down
Let your white birds smile up at the
Ones who stand and frown

So raise the candles high cause if you
Don’t we could stay black against the night
Oh raise them higher again and if you
Do we could stay dry against the rain!
         — Melanie Safka

Colonoscopy Jokes:

1. ‘Find Amelia Earhart yet?’
2. ‘Can you hear me NOW?’
3. ‘Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?’
4. ‘You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.’
5. ‘Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?’
6. ‘You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…’
7. ‘Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!’
8. ‘If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!’
9. ‘Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.’
10. ‘Can you write a note to my wife saying my head is not up there?
           — Columnist Dave Barry

“To Be of Use” – A Poem by Marge Piercy
The people I love the best
 jump into work headfirst
 without dallying in the shallows
 and swim off with sure strokes almost out of sight.

 They seem to become natives of that element,
 the black sleek heads of seals
 bouncing like half submerged balls.

 I love people who harness themselves, on to a heavy cart,
 who pull like water buffalo, with massive patience,
 who strain in the mud and the muck to move things forward,
 who do what has to be done, again and again.

 I want to be with people who submerge
 in the task, who go into the fields to harvest
 and work in a row and pass the bags along,
 who stand in the line and haul in their places,
 who are not parlor generals and field deserters
 but move in a common rhythm
 when the food must come in or the fire be put out.

The work of the world is common as mud.
 Botched, it smears the hands, crumbles to dust.
 But the thing worth doing well done
 has a shape that satisfies, clean and evident.

 Greek amphoras for wine or oil,
 Hopi vases that held corn, are put in museums
 but you know they were made to be used.

The pitcher cries for water to carry
and a person for work that is real.
       To Be of Use, — by Marge Piercy

History may not repeat itself,
But it does rhyme.
       — Mark Twain

“A Son of the Sea:”

“Dark is the deep and restless sea
Cold is it’s briny tomb
Fierce are its swells as they crash on me
But warm is its loving womb
A son of the sea am I, am I

“Roll on mighty waives, so high, so high
No terror to hold for a heart that is bold
For soon may the clouds roll by (roll by)
The sea is a mother’s breast to me
I fear not her wildest cry (wild cry)
In mother’s arms I am safe from harm
For a son of the sea am I

“For many brave hearts are asleep in the deep
But a son (but a son) of the sea (of the sea)
Am I (am I), am I…
A son of the sea am I.”
        –Traditional song  

Going to School, Then and Now:

THEN:
One, two — buckle my shoe
Three, four — out the door
Five, six — pick up sticks
Seven, eight — don’t be late
Nine, ten — do it all again

NOW:
One, Two — buckle your seatbelts
Three, four — close the garage door
Five, six  — drop off the kids
Seven, eight — until they’re in, best to wait
Nine, ten — do it all again
      — J.X. Mason.

English cows say, “Moo.”
French cows say, “Meu.”
Sam Spade calls on the “phone.”
Jacques Clouseau calls on the “pfeune.”
      — J.X. Mason

A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions.
      — Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

“Dirty Laundry,” by Don Henley
“I make my living off the evening news
Just give me something-something I can use
People love it when you lose,
They love dirty laundry!

Well, I could’a been an actor, but I wound up here
I just have to look good, I don’t have to be clear
Come and whisper in my ear
Give us dirty laundry!

      Kick ‘em when they’re up
      Kick ‘em when they’re down
      Kick ‘em when they’re up
      Kick ‘em all around

 We got the bubble-headed-bleach-blonde who comes on at five
 She can tell you ‘bout the plane crash with a gleam In her eye
 It’s interesting when people die —
 Give us dirty laundry…
       — Don Henley

Then — Tommy Smothers said,
“Watch out for Wild Pumas in the Mountain Crevasses!”

Now -– My Personal Physician says,
“Watch out for Cancerous Lesions in the Moist Crevasses!”

We should be eternally vigilant against attempts to check the expression of opinions that we loathe.
       — Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

Lawyers spend a great deal of their time shoveling smoke.
       — Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

Lawyer Jokes:

• If a town has one lawyer, he Starves; If it has two lawyers, they both get rich.     
• Legal motto: “Reasonable Doubt for a Reasonable Price.”
• The Lawyer’s Creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
• Lawyer: A common misspelling of liar.
• What’s the difference between God and a lawyer? …. God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.

• A 50-year-old lawyer who had been practicing since he was 25 years old died and arrived at the pearly gates of heaven. The lawyer said to St. Peter, “I am surprised I died so young. I was very active and always ate well. And I’m only 50 years old!” St. Peter looked at his book and looked back down at the lawyer. “Fifty years old, you say? According to your billing records, you should be 83.”

• If a lawyer and an IRS agent were drowning and you could only save one, would you go to lunch or finish your Sudoku puzzle?
• What happens if a lawyer uses Viagra? He grows taller.
• If you laid all of the lawyers in the world end to end on the equator… it would be a good idea to just leave them there.
• Why do pharmaceutical company laboratories now use lawyers rather than lab rats for testing?

• What happens when a lawyer is made Godfather?…He makes you an offer you can’t understand.
• It is a horrible demoralizing thing to be a lawyer. You have to look for such low motives in everyone and everything. -– Katherine Hinkson
• Lawyer: “Let me give you my honest opinion.” Client: “No, I’m paying you to give me your professional opinion!”

• Two-thirds of the world’s lawyers are in the United States. Perhaps we could solve our trade deficit if we started e porting them.
• What do you call an honest lawyer?… An “oxymoron.”
• What’s the difference between a cat and a lawyer? One is an arrogant creature who will ignore you and treat you with contempt unless it can get something out of you. The other is a household pet.
• What do you have when you have ten lawyers buried up to their necks in sand? . . . Not enough sand!

• “Excuse me,” a young fellow said to the octogenarian librarian. “I’ve just moved here and I wonder if this town has any criminal defense attorneys.” “Well,” replied the librarian, “I have lived here all my life and all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one has ever been able to prove anything.”

• When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty. – Norm Crosby
• Arguing with a lawyer is like mud wrestling with a pig. After a while you realize the pig enjoys it.
• The Devil makes his Christmas pie of lawyer’s tongues. – English proverb.

• What do you call 100 lawyers chained together at the bottom of the ocean? . . . A good start.
• How do you know when a lawyer is lying? . . . Her lips are moving.

• A deceased person’s lawyer, CPA and banker attended his funeral. The banker said, “In my family we give the dead man some money in case he needs some to spend over there.” The other two agreed this would be fitting. The banker dropped a $100 bill in the coffin. The CPA did the same. The attorney wrote out a check for $300, dropped it in the coffin, and took out the two hundred-dollar bills.

• What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? . . . A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for years. A good lawyer, even longer.
• What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech? . . . The leech will drop off after its victim dies.
• What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common? . . . Both have a big head that consists mainly of mouth.

• A lawyer sat near the back at a funeral. Another mourner arrived late and asked the lawyer, “Where are they in the service?” The lawyer gestured to toward the minister and replied, “He’s just opening for the defense.”

• Why do they bury lawyers twelve feet deep? . . . Because deep down, they are really good guys!
• It is interesting to note that criminals have multiplied of late, and lawyers have also; but I repeat myself. – Mark Twain
• How do you tell the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? . . . One is a cold blooded, bottom-dwelling, blood-sucking scavenger — the other is a fish.

• If all the lawyers were hanged tomorrow, and their bones sold to a mah-jongg factory, we’d be freer and safer, and our ta es would be reduced by almost half. – H. L. Mencken
• Why don’t lawyers go to the beach? . . . Cats keep trying to bury them.
• A local newspaper mistakenly printed an obituary using the name of the town’s oldest lawyer. He called them immediately and threatened to sue unless they printed a correction. The next day the following notice appear… “We regret that the report of Attorney Critchley’s death was in error.”

• A contingency fee is an arrangement in which if you lose, your lawyer gets nothing; and if you win, you get nothing. – George M. Palmer
• The difficult task, after one learns how to think like a lawyer, is relearning how to write like a human being. – Floyd Abrams
• I do not care to speak ill of any man behind his back, but I believe the gentleman to be an attorney. – Samuel Johnson
  
  
• Two lawyers were out hunting when they came across a pair of tracks. One lawyer said, “The tracks lead this direction.” The other argued the tracks led in the opposite direction. They each presented their best arguments as if in a high stakes trial. That’s when the train hit them.

• A potential client asked an attorney at a cocktail party, “How much do you charge to answer 3 questions?” The Attorney curtly replied, “$300.” The client looks astounded. “Isn’t that a lot for three questions?” “Yes, but it stops people from pestering me. What’s your third question?”
  
  
• A paralegal, an associate attorney, and a Senior Law Partner walked to lunch through a city park. They found an old lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted each of them one wish. The paralegal said “I want to be in the Bahamas on a sail boat with Brad Pitt!” Poof, she was gone. The associate said “I want to be in Hawaii on the beach with a Mai Tai and a hula dancer!” Poof, he was gone. The partner said “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

• Two lawyers chatted at the water cooler Monday morning. “I got a dog for my kids this weekend,” said one. The other replied, “Good trade.”